Re-Think Your Comparisons

posted by barbara

It’s in our nature to make comparisons. We compare people, places, things and even the weather. The majority of the comparisons we make rarely contribute to getting into a warm weather spirit; mostly, they bring us distress.

As children move into adolescence they are more prone to the mental affliction of comparing themselves to others. They do this not to further define who they are, but generally they make mental comparisons to evaluate how they stack up to others.

Am I as bright or beautiful as the girl sitting in the next row?

Am I considered as popular or as polished as my rival when I’m presenting a report to the entire class?

The tendency for most teenagers is to assess themselves negatively, leading to self-doubt and anxiety. Or it’s the opposite extreme; they overestimate themselves, resulting in feeling arrogant. Neither interpretation: feeling inferior or superior is helpful. It leads to feelings of unhappiness.

Underlying these mental comparisons is a habit of seeing others as competition. Kids have learned to think in hierarchical terms, i.e. where do I fit in the social or scholastic pecking order? Parents often fall into this same trap when they compare their kids to their classmates or make comparisons among their own children.

You could be wondering, “So, what’s wrong with comparing?” Much depends on the purpose of it. Comparisons are useful when individuals assess their own progress. For example, “Last year I was too shy to initiate friendships, but this year I’ve made some new friends by being the one to make the first move.” This type of comparison builds confidence and contributes to more success!

Another positive comparison is when you observe an admirable trait in another person and rather than being upset or jealous, you learn how to cultivate it for yourself. We do this by deliberately practicing a trait we wish to adopt. Then there’s no reason to feel “less than” because the focus is on being grateful to the other person for modeling the trait for us.

I invite you to re-think how you handle the mental game of making comparisons. How is comparative thinking helping you? What could you let go of to feel happier about yourself? How could you demonstrate positive comparisons to your teenagers?

Positive comparisons allow you to feel good about yourself and others. Negative comparisons cause you to feel inadequate and make it difficult for you to be around others who have a strong self-image. This is equally true for your children. Once we indulge in damaging comparisons, we neglect our strengths and our unique path becomes invisible to us.

We are all significant in our own way. Worthiness increases as we consciously develop healthy thinking habits. These habits give us the power to experience a sunny disposition even on the cloudiest of days.

My best,

Barbara

© Barbara McRae

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