Transforming Boys into Gentlemen

posted by barbara

Boys will be boys. That’s what we’re always told, isn’t it? It’s what people say to excuse bad behavior. While there is some truth to this statement - boys can often be more rambunctious - it prevents parents from helping their sons cultivate successful social skills. Having good manners never goes out of style at home and in the workplace.

While it’s alright for boys to have fun, there is a point at which playful behavior crosses a line into inappropriate behavior. How do you decide what’s OK and what isn’t? This is often the first hurdle for parents. A mom I’m working with right now doesn’t want her teens to call their classmates stupid. Another parent might object if a harsher word is used (retard or worse). So how do you find that balance between letting boys be boys and training them in the ways of gentlemen?

1. Keep the end in mind.
What do you want to accomplish? If you want your sons to respect women, authority, and each other, then you’ll need to intervene; this is easier when they are still young. Teens are more challenging because much of their social behavior is already set. If you have weak boundaries or are inconsistent, bad boy behavior can lead to men who behave badly.

ACTION STEP: Boys need to learn that their courage and strength are not to be used to have power over others. Identify the social conduct you want to emphasize in your home. Have clear expectations and concrete consequences.

2. Explain why it’s important.
It’s easier to motivate teens to upgrade their manners if it makes sense to them. Let’s use table manners as an example. Kids are often surprised to hear that job interviews can include having a meal with a potential employer for the sole purpose of assessing an interviewee’s dining etiquette; this is especially true for certain sales and managerial positions. Speaking with your mouth full or leaving your cell phone on the table can be a “deal-killer.”

ACTION STEP: Consider having a formal meal with your family every Sunday or at least once a month. This helps young people get comfortable with tableware they don’t ordinarily use.

3. Demonstrate the behavior you wish to cultivate.
Remember, your sons are watching and listening to you. This ought to be obvious but bears repeating: “Do as I say but not as I do” does not work. In particular, boys will especially emulate what they see and hear the men in their lives do, and will take notice when men get away with bad behavior. The words “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me” are just as relevant today as they were in the past.

ACTION STEP: Keep in mind that you are the leader. Stop and think about what you’re going to say and do. Would you want your teens to follow in your footsteps?

4. Discuss “real world” examples.
Teens look up to celebrities, so help them discover the ones who live a life of integrity and respect others. The media often highlights the negative things that “stars” do, so point out the ones that have great relationships, work for a charity or offer a helping hand.

ACTION STEP: Start looking for good examples in everyday life: TV shows, movies, magazines, etc. I just recently used the example of Will Blakelee, the character in “The Last Song” (movie and book by the same title) to demonstrate how this high school grad tapped into his courage to “do the right thing” even though his best friend pressured him not to stand up for the truth.

Your son is a “man in training.” Believe in his greatness. We all make poor decisions at times. What’s important is to learn from them. The more boys become aware of the power of their words and actions, the easier it will be for them to assess what’s really working for them and what isn’t. That’s when they’ll be motivated to make better choices and build the reputation of a gentlemen and a “man of character.”

Best-
Barbara

Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert

Author of Coach Your Teen to Success, Parent-Teen Expert, GEN Y Guide

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