How Much Freedom is Too Much?

by Barbara McRae, MCC

We all know that parenting teens is not easy. New challenges surface regularly and there are a lot of grey areas. How much freedom to give your teen is one of them.

Let's take the example of teen curfews. Below you'll see how three distinct parenting styles would typically handle setting curfews:

Authoritative Parent:
<> Would prefer to have teens at home to keep on eye on him or her
<> Unilaterally sets conservative and non-adjustable curfews
<> May insist on getting a call every hour or so to make sure teens are all right and are where they say they are.

This parent doesn't realize that making all the decisions and being over-protective sends the message "I don't trust you." A hands-on style doesn't help teens develop confidence in themselves. There's too little freedom for learning to take place.

Permissive Parent:
<> Wants teens to have fun and make decisions on their own
<> Has either no boundaries or very few boundaries that are rarely enforced
<> Not involved until there's a problem.

This hands-off style doesn't offer sufficient guidance to help teens successfully navigate. Since the permissive parent isn't there to provide some necessary structure, it takes teens much longer to extract the learnings from their experiences. It's the epitome of too much freedom.

Participative Parent Coach:
<> Understands a teen's need to have an appropriate level of independence
<> Teen and parent together negotiate clear boundaries and consequences
<> Parent reviews what's working and what isn't and makes adjustments, accordingly.

This participative style of a Parent Coach offers a healthy balance between providing freedom within structure. The emphasis here is on negotiation. Each situation is unique as is your child. Adjustable curfews have their advantages as long as the consequences for missing a curfew are clearly spelled out and enforced.

Although you might be drawing from several parenting styles, depending on the situation, most parents have a distinct preference for one of the styles described above. These three styles represent an evolution in parenting. The authoritarian style was prevalent up until the ‘50s. Then beginning in the ‘60s, in rebellion to rigid rules and strict punishment, the pendulum swung to the opposite extreme where the permissive parenting style became popular. Later, as we moved into the ‘80s, our society experienced a rate of change never before thought possible. We now value choice, creativity, collaboration, and innovation. In response to our rapidly changing society, the participative parent-coach approach was born.

Participative parents are collaborative. They realize that the world doesn't operate on curfews, unless there's a national emergency. They know it's better to focus on having pertinent information. Ask your kids:

=> Where will you be? With whom?
=> When will you return home?
=> What will you do if something unexpected comes up?

The Parent Coach realizes that just as kids need to keep you informed about their whereabouts, teens need to know where you'll be and how to reach you in case of an emergency. It's a two-way street.

To determine how much freedom to give to your child, make decisions based on the age and maturity level of each child. Be participative and give small doses of freedom to start and build from there, based on how much responsibility your teen demonstrates he or she can handle. Keep in mind that it's your job to prepare your adolescents for a smooth transition into adulthood.

© 2006 Barbara McRae, MCC