How to Effectively Talk to Kids about Tragedies

by Barbara McRae, MCC

Watching the news, seeing actual footage of a tidal wave, hurricane, or earthquake and witnessing the resulting devastation, ignites feelings of distress and overwhelm in adults, let alone in our children. How young people are affected by such tragedies largely depends on the level of maturity and overall temperament of each child plus the coping patterns you consistently model. It can be difficult for caregivers to cope with their own feelings and know what to say to help their children handle theirs. Here are some must-read tips to help you.

Young Children
Let’s first address very young children. Many parents wisely choose to shield their children from news coverage on TV; it’s too graphic. If your child is aware of a tragedy, it is important to acknowledge the event as soon as possible and to empathize with whatever feelings your youngster is expressing about it. For example, “It sounds like you are worried that this could happen to us.”
Parents often want to minimize tragic events. They think that by minimizing or ignoring a child’s question or concern, they are protecting their child from further upsets. Talking about the trauma - unless you keep rehashing it - is healing and keeps vital communication lines open between parent and child. Denying or ignoring your child’s questions or point of view leads to a sense of isolation and more suffering.

What Not to Do

• Do not tell your children they are being silly, to get over it” or “grow up”
• Do not overreact; it makes matters worse
• Do not let your children avoid facing their fears (if they don’t want to talk about it, have them draw how they feel instead)
• Do not gloss over feelings (“Forget it/Don’t worry”)

Do talk about feelings. By doing so, you are modeling that it is okay to have feelings and express them in a healthy manner. You’ll be enhancing their EQ (emotional intelligence) by helping them develop their feeling vocabulary. Discuss with them the distinction between being compassionate and having empathy (loving and empowering) versus taking on the fear, pain, and grief of others (limiting and self-sabotaging).

Provide age appropriate information about how nature creates a tidal wave (or a volcanic eruption or other natural disaster). If you don’t know, refer to books or magazines to help you. Make it an opportunity for learning. Keep it simple and respond to questions without offering too much information. Close your conversation by redirecting it to feeling grateful that your family is safe.

Older Children
Older children (preteens and teens) typically have more questions and want to discuss events. Here, too, it’s best to first find out how they are feeling and acknowledge how they are experiencing the tragedy. Be focused on what’s going on for them and stay connected by empathizing and asking insightful questions as outlined in “Coach Your Teen to Success.” Use our 7 Simple Steps to help you with this challenging situation.

A common fear for children, in addition to worrying about their own safety, is the fear of losing a parent. One of my clients was not prepared to answer the question, “What if you suddenly die?” This mom wanted to reassure her children; she also wanted to be honest and direct. She was conflicted because she realizes that none of us knows exactly when we are going to die and didn’t want to make a promise that she couldn’t keep. What you can say is that people don’t normally die until they are very old and reassure your kids that you’re not planning on dying anytime soon. You can tailor this answer to fit your religious beliefs and your specific situation.
The best way to help your children is to make sure you have healthy behavior patterns for handling *your* fears and stress. If you tend to get overly fearful or keep your feelings to yourself, then your children are likely to do the same. Being tearful or acknowledging your fear is fine. Freaking out is not. If you are not feeling calm enough to have these conversations with your kids, take a few minutes to get centered. If that fails, get the help you need to be able to fully be there for your children. We can help you prepare for your family discussions.

Remind your children that no matter what happens, there is always help available. Ask them to begin to look for the helpers of the world. Help them understand the value of volunteering and the difference non-profit organizations make. Discuss how your family can help others in need. Kids often feel better when they can actively participate in providing aid to less fortunate families. They may want to say a prayer, light a candle, go to church, donate possessions, send an encouraging letter, or write a check. Let them choose; it helps them learn the lesson of love firsthand.

We send our love-filled prayers to the families affected by natural diasasters. We know that all events can be used for good if we help ourselves become great role models for our children by using effective communication and coping skills. We can help them learn how to handle difficult situations in life and teach the rewards of reaching out to others even if they are half way around the world.

© 2004 Barbara McRae, MCC
Barbara McRae, Master Certified Coach, Parent/Teen Expert, and Founder of www.teenfrontier.com, "A Neon Whispers ™ Company", is the bestselling author of Coach Your Teen to Success . Barbara coaches internationally, facilitates workshops, and has been featured in various media outlets, including radio, TV, national magazines, and newspapers.