Parent Coach Evolution

Excerpt from the book “Coach Your Teen to Success” by Barbara McRae
(Click to find out more about this book)

Like it or not, we aren’t living in the same world we did even a few years ago. Yesterday’s influencing and parenting skills no longer bring success with the teens of today and tomorrow. I know our parents may have felt this way, too, but the children of today are displaying a set of unique characteristics. Here is a summary of the 10 predominant new behavior traits found in children born in the mid-80s:

1. They have short attention spans and get distracted easily.
2. They have lots of physical energy (prone to hyperactivity).
3. They are highly sensitive people with empathy and compassion.
4. They have a great need for attention and quality time.
5. They resist absolute authority (without a dialog and choice).
6. They are strong-willed and cannot be forced to do anything.
7. They have trouble bonding with others who are unlike themselves.
8. They are frustrated with the status quo and look for a better way.
9. They speak with conviction and will ask for what they want.
10. They sense hidden feelings and can get very angry when they feel insincerity or disrespect.

Do you recognize any of these traits? Some of these behaviors also resemble symptoms that indicate Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)/Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). If you think that your child could fall into this category, please investigate this thoroughly before using this label. In a study conducted by Dr. Leonard Sax where he reported that “… the initial diagnosis of ADD came from teachers in more than half of the cases, from parents in 25% of cases and from the primary physician in 10%; the rest of the time ADD was identified by a psychologist, neighbor or friend� (www.healthyplace.com, 2003). It is estimated that nearly three million children in the United States use Ritalin to cope with ADD/ADHD. Some claim that we have become a “Ritalin Nation� and that there is a danger of misdiagnosis (i.e., hyperactivity can also be the result of poor nutrition or deep sadness, feeling misunderstood and unwanted). Go to Appendix 1 for additional helpful information and resources.

Given the above mentioned factors and the prescription drug epidemic, to succeed you need a fundamentally different way of approaching modern teens, a way of creating mutually supportive, high-trust relationships that transcend the traditional parent-child roles. Dr. Breggin reports that children and teenagers quickly improve their behavior and outlook when adults provide them with a better environment. Parenting that resorts to controlling or manipulating when the going gets tough causes destructive interactions. Coaching creates positive interactions, because its premise is that humans are good; they have intrinsic worth and warrant honor and respect just as they are. What would happen if you were willing to see teens as creative and lovable individuals instead of a group to be avoided, tolerated, or feared?

One thing is certain. Everything is changing and will continue to change at a rapid pace. A significant factor leading our cultural changes is our highly advanced technology. Parents of contemporary teens grew up with a basic telephone, radio, and a handful of channels on network television. Young people of today use cell phones, watch hundreds of stations on cable or satellite TV, cruise the Internet, use laptop computers, spend hours swapping Instant Messages, and listen to CDs. The way in which we gather, receive, and communicate information has shifted. Thanks to the Internet, modern teens have an abundance of knowledge instantly available to them. I’ve seen 3-year-olds who are significantly more computer literate than their parents! Our technological explosion strongly impacts every aspect of our lives, including parenting teens. In many ways, teens today are more advanced and savvy than those of previous generations.

It’s no longer business as usual; parenting as usual won’t develop teens into fully functioning, confident, productive adults. Teens don’t come with directions, but if they did, the directions would be obsolete by now. Have you noticed that the old fear-based parenting methods we experienced in the 1950s and early 1960s don’t work? Guilt tactics, threats, condescension, and other old forms of discipline are defunct. It’s like using a rotary phone instead of a cell phone with video imaging. This begs the question, “What are you, as a parent, willing to do to evolve yourself?�

In business, the role of the manager is evolving to one of leader, coach, and facilitator—with good reason. The old command-and-control military model of managing has serious drawbacks, except in emergency situations. Used indiscriminately, it mostly disempowers employees, limiting initiative and creativity. When capable employees constantly need to wait for further instructions from a manager to proceed, dependency and inefficiencies result. Research has shown that a participative style of leadership generally yields better long-term results, particularly for organizations that require employees with higher skill levels. The new style of leadership inspires change without using strict authority.