Featured Questions for Barbara

Teen Question: This guy that I like just asked me out to a movie. But I have an overly protective dad. My parents said I could go, but my dad has to meet him. But I’m afraid my dad will embarrass me. What should I do?

Barbara’s Response: So, you like this guy and want to go out to a movie with him, right? Your parents said it was OK. That’s GOOD news!! It’s not at all uncommon for parents to want to meet your date. You didn’t mention your age; but it you are under 18, then, your parents are legally responsible for you. This means that it’s very caring and smart of your dad to want to meet this boy.

Now let’s address your concern and what you can do about it. What makes you think your dad is going to embarrass you? Has he done that with any other boys you’ve liked? What would embarrass you? You can ask your dad to restrict the conversation to appropriate subjects, like asking questions to get to know the boy and to state his expectations of his treatment of you and when you’re due back home. Bringing out your baby pictures to show would not be appropriate.

If your dad ends up saying or doing something you don’t care for, just ignore it, change the subject, and get going on your date. Know that “being embarrassed� is a choice. No one can make you feel ANYTHING without your consent. Afterwards, you can talk to your dad one-to-one and let him know how you feel and make your requests for next time.

If you decide to give up on having a fun date, due to your fear of being uncomfortable for a few minutes when your dad meets your guy, then chances are you really don’t want to go on this date.

All the best,
Barbara

My 15-year-old son has changed from loving sports to loving music. He is a drummer. His friends have changed and some of them seem “weird� to me. …Is he just learning his identity and I should just not worry, or should I be concerned about the sudden changes? I have heard I should not try to pick his friends. Thanks.

Teenagers are naturally programmed to seek their self-identity and yearn for independence so that they can develop into adulthood. During this time, teenagers start to withdraw from their parents and experiment by being a different kind of person than their parents are. Did you know that adolescence means “breaking away?�

Parents often have mixed feelings about a teen’s drive for independence. On the one hand, you realize that it’s part of their inner programming to learn to become a self-sufficient, fully functioning adult. And, it can be frightening when you feel you no longer recognize your child.

It sounds like you were a lot more comfortable with your son loving sports than loving music. It is natural for teens to listen and play music that is different from what you enjoy. Did you know that Elvis Presley’s father didn’t approve of his music and wanted him to learn a trade so that Elvis could get a “real� job?

You mention that your son’s friends seem strange. Are you put off by how they look? Musicians are generally “Creatives� and thrive on looking different. It’s natural to feel a bit uneasy with people who are different from the way we are or the way we think they ought to be. Not being able to celebrate the differences in others can get us in a lot of trouble. It’s easy to loose the ability to stay open when we feel uneasy. Learning the steps in Coach Your Teen to Success will help you cultivate a coaching presence so that you can be a guide to your son during these challenging times. Now, let me be clear, IF by “weird� you mean that these kids are verbally abusive or violent. Then, that’s an entirely different situation.

You are wise to realize that picking your teen’s friends is not your job. Your teen’s friends are just as important to him as your friends are to you. Be supportive of your teen in this area. Some parents feel threatened by their teenager’s friends. They think that these friends have more influence on teens’ choices than they do. Friends may have influence on teens’ choices with respect to some short-term issues (clothes, dating, etc.), but teen surveys have reported that parents have more influence on choices concerning long-term issues (character, integrity, etc.).

I recommend that whenever possible, it’s best to be flexible in the area of teen friendships. Remember, it’s the teenager’s job to seek independence. Be respectful and keep the communication lines open. This way, you’ll have much more information and you’ll be able to spot any real trouble. You can’t help, if you don’t stay in rapport with your son.

All the best-
Barbara

My 19-year-old son with ADHD has moved in with my husband (of almost 3 years). He previously lived with his father and step-mother. My husband shows signs of jealousy and doesn’t participate in anything with my son. My spouse acts like my son is not worth any of his quality time or attention. Needless-to-say, I am torn, hurt, and quite frankly a mess…

First off, I can fully appreciate your desires for your current husband and your son to interact with each other in a friendly and healthy manner. I can sense the disappointment you have in your husband. It’s unclear from your email, why your adult son moved in with you and how long he will stay there. I’m hoping that this decision was made jointly with your spouse and that the two of you talked about how the inclusion of your son will impact your marriage relationship and how you will each effectively handle any conflicts that are bound to arise.

Know that one of the biggest mistakes that biological parents make is trying to turn a step-family into their image of a nuclear family. Step-families are very different! It’s best not to have preconceived ideas. Trying to force a family relationship between your husband and your son will only make matters worse.

Newly blended families generally have many hurdles to overcome. In your case, your son is no longer a child and therefore, your husband is not so much a step-parent as “the man who married my mom.� I’m curious, what kind of relationship did your husband have with your son prior to your son moving in with you?

Feelings of jealousy are natural, on both sides. How are you reassuring your husband and your son that you love them both? If your husband is the one that is experiencing more jealousy, then perhaps, he is no longer convinced that he is number one in your life. Could it be that you have shifted too much of your attention to your son?

How long has your son been living with you this time around? Generally, it’s best for a step-parent to gradually get involved with the biological parent’s child—that’s assuming your husband has an interest in doing that. Don’t make the mistake of interpreting your husband’s lack of interest as a rejection of you (or your son). His view of his new role probably differs from yours. By the way, many step-kids aren’t at all interested in having another parent. Friendships, however, can develop over time if they are allowed to naturally unfold.

Whenever an adult child (ADHD or not) returns home, the relationship between parents and young adult needs to be renegotiated. In your case, it’s even more important for the three of you to clearly share expectations out loud and negotiate with each other—as three adults. Find out what each person is willing to do to make it a good experience for everyone involved.

All the best-
Barbara

“Before my children started middle school, we rarely argued about anything. Now we seem to go head-to-head every week. Is this normal?”

Many parents experience a change in their children at the pre-teen stage; kids are programmed to begin carving out their self-identity.
They will question you, try on different view points, and assert their independence. Parents often wonder what happened to their lovable kid! Believe it or not, this too shall pass.

In the meantime, you can minimize the number of conflicts you have by first accepting that you are each going to have your own opinions. Be open, listen, and identify those areas where you can agree and place your attention there. This will increase your connection.

The biggest stumbling block you’ll run into relates to the need to be in control. Just remember that forcing another to do what you think is right, does not lead toward learning or self-responsibility. Rather it leads to defiance and resistance.

Anticipate having disagreements, don’t avoid them. Come up with a game plan of how you want to handle conflicts. Be clear about your parenting responsibilities. If you feel yourself (or your teen) getting too emotional, call a time out and regroup later. No real communication takes place when negative feelings cloud good judgment.

In summary, conflicts during the teen years are natural. The extent of your arguments will depend upon how prepared you are to handle them. Your responses will teach your kids how to negotiate and/or disagree. Be willing to give teens more breathing room while keeping them safe.

Finally, call in the pros. Getting help can provide a break from much frustration and shed light on your recurring challenges.

My best-
Barbara