According to Dr. Vincent Iannelli, there are three ADHD types based on specific symptoms:

ADHD, Inattentive Type (forgetful, distracted, doesn’t pay attention to details)

ADHD, Hyperactive-Impulsive Type (restless, fidgeting, excessive talking, interrupting, impatient)

ADHD, Combined Type (inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity).

Do you recognize some of these traits? Most of us can relate. Who doesn’t get forgetful, distracted, restless, or impatient at times? So whether you or your child have been diagnosed or not, you can benefit from knowing what you can do to maximize your strengths.

When I was a child, no one ever heard of ADHD. But my mother did let me know about the complaints she received from my teachers. I was much too restless in kindergarten and never took naps with the other kids. And in grade school, my mother begged me daily to please be quiet to avoid getting bad marks for “unnecessary talking!” But I still functioned well, getting nearly straight A’s all through school.

Later in life, I realized that in today’s world, I would have been diagnosed ADHD, hyperactive-impulsive. I still juggle multiple projects; not everything gets done, but the important ones do! Having effective systems help me stay organized.

ADHD as a Blessing, a Gift

My ADHD tendencies have been a blessing, not a handicap. As a child, I often felt different and these differences were not valued. Most of the kids I coach encounter similar experiences. Therefore, it’s vital to help kids understand how they can use their ADHD traits to their advantage. With plenty of affirmation and encouragement, they can be just as successful as anyone else.

I made peace with being different when I understood that my hyperactivity allows me to be a high-energy person and quick-witted as well. I love variety, creating, and being inquisitive. My creativity has many expressions: poetry, photography, watercolor/oils, cartooning, creating recipes, writing, decorating, dancing, and coaching! Some people have commented that they feel exhausted just hearing me talk about the multiple ways I delight in my creativity. (Sometimes I even amaze myself!) The point is to learn to feel good about who you are.

Tapping into Hidden Strengths

It’s often difficult to identify strengths when others harp on shortcomings. And school can be especially challenging since the typical classroom is not designed to address individual needs. The upside is that those with ADHD generally have a strong need to focus on what they love to do in order to feel happy and “right with the world.” And due to this inner need, they are far more likely to find their perfect niche and ditch a job that doesn’t fit them. That’s an advantage!

Learning to channel their energy effectively, can lead to great achievements. Some of the most creative and innovative people have ADHD. Famous people considered to have ADHD are: Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, and photographer Ansel Adams.

How Parents can Help

The ADHD symptoms referenced earlier can definitely be frustrating for everyone. It can be especially difficult for a parent to know what to do. So how can you support your child?

1. Accept and embrace ADHD.
If you have the “this is so unfortunate” mindset, then it will make it much more difficult for your child to feel worthy and confident. Focus on the benefits rather than wishing for life without ADHD.

2. Emphasize your child’s talents.
If you don’t, children are bound to use ADHD as a crutch, keeping them from having the rich and full life they deserve.

3. Stop comparing your child to others.
ADHDers wish for a sense of “belonging.” They yearn to fit in, be “normal” and feel “good enough.” Don’t contribute to their insecurity by implying they don’t measure up.

4. Help your child relax.
Share your relaxation, conscious breathing, and/or meditation techniques with your child. Start slow, just a few minutes, then add more time to reach a minimum of 10 minutes of uninterrupted relaxation.

5. Teach focusing skills.
Without proper training, the mind races ahead, taking the human for a wild ride! Introduce simple focusing skills (i.e. practice observing only one color at a time). Eventually, your child will learn to manage a seemingly overactive mind.

6. Make wise food choices.
The food we consume can either boost or deplete the body. Eliminate foods or supplements that contain nitrates, artificial colors, aspartame, and MSG. Studies indicate that these additives can lead to or aggravate hyperactivity. Conversely, Omega-3 supplements can lesson ADHD symptoms.

7. Identify tools and systems for prioritizing tasks.
Help your child get organized and stay organized by creating a customized system. Stop nagging. Use creative and fun reminders; get input from your creative child.

A common trap parents (especially those without ADHD) fall into is forgetting that you are not your child. And your child is not you. Your child is not “broken.” We are all unique. The ADHD brain is just wired differently and if this difference is perceived negatively, it can bury amazing strengths. To tap into the beauty of your child’s reality, focus on the positive.

I have accepted my hyperactivity and live a balanced life. I’ve learned that it IS possible to relax, even meditate, and focus. It was a slow process for me but I stuck with it. (I started in the late 80s!). Eating fresh and unprocessed food has made a huge difference in my life. And I credit my father for insisting on healthy eating for all of us! I still fidget, cross and re-cross my legs (especially in the movie theater) but not nearly as much.

I often don’t finish reading all the books I’ve started, and I’m never at a loss for creative ideas. Sometimes I take on too much (a typical overachiever). I’m thriving and I love my life! That’s what I want for you, and your family, too. A unique and beautiful life you love!

Best-

Barbara

More Support for your ADHD Child

While it’s alright for boys to have fun, there is a point at which playful behavior crosses a line into inappropriate behavior. How do you decide what’s OK and what isn’t? This is often the first hurdle for parents. A mom I’m working with right now doesn’t want her teens to call their classmates stupid. Another parent might object if a harsher word is used (retard or worse). So how do you find that balance between letting boys be boys and training them in the ways of gentlemen?

1. Keep the end in mind.
What do you want to accomplish? If you want your sons to respect women, authority, and each other, then you’ll need to intervene; this is easier when they are still young. Teens are more challenging because much of their social behavior is already set. If you have weak boundaries or are inconsistent, bad boy behavior can lead to men who behave badly.

ACTION STEP: Boys need to learn that their courage and strength are not to be used to have power over others. Identify the social conduct you want to emphasize in your home. Have clear expectations and concrete consequences.

2. Explain why it’s important.
It’s easier to motivate teens to upgrade their manners if it makes sense to them. Let’s use table manners as an example. Kids are often surprised to hear that job interviews can include having a meal with a potential employer for the sole purpose of assessing an interviewee’s dining etiquette; this is especially true for certain sales and managerial positions. Speaking with your mouth full or leaving your cell phone on the table can be a “deal-killer.”

ACTION STEP: Consider having a formal meal with your family every Sunday or at least once a month. This helps young people get comfortable with tableware they don’t ordinarily use.

3. Demonstrate the behavior you wish to cultivate.
Remember, your sons are watching and listening to you. This ought to be obvious but bears repeating: “Do as I say but not as I do” does not work. In particular, boys will especially emulate what they see and hear the men in their lives do, and will take notice when men get away with bad behavior. The words “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me” are just as relevant today as they were in the past.

ACTION STEP: Keep in mind that you are the leader. Stop and think about what you’re going to say and do. Would you want your teens to follow in your footsteps?

4. Discuss “real world” examples.
Teens look up to celebrities, so help them discover the ones who live a life of integrity and respect others. The media often highlights the negative things that “stars” do, so point out the ones that have great relationships, work for a charity or offer a helping hand.

ACTION STEP: Start looking for good examples in everyday life: TV shows, movies, magazines, etc. I just recently used the example of Will Blakelee, the character in “The Last Song” (movie and book by the same title) to demonstrate how this high school grad tapped into his courage to “do the right thing” even though his best friend pressured him not to stand up for the truth.

Your son is a “man in training.” Believe in his greatness. We all make poor decisions at times. What’s important is to learn from them. The more boys become aware of the power of their words and actions, the easier it will be for them to assess what’s really working for them and what isn’t. That’s when they’ll be motivated to make better choices and build the reputation of a gentlemen and a “man of character.”

Best-
Barbara

Author of Coach Your Teen to Success, Parent-Teen Expert, GEN Y Guide

It might just be the latter IF you believe kids don’t need a part-time job since…

… They’re involved in plenty of extra-curricular or sports activities.

… They’re expected to excel in all school-taught subjects and have the highest GPA possible.

… They’re not expected to contribute to their personal expenses or their college fund since money is not an issue.

Did you know that fewer teens have part-time jobs nowadays?
It’s not just because jobs are scarce and filled by adults, often retirees. It’s also because GEN X parents just aren’t as focused on the benefits of their kids learning the basic
skills that the “just-getting-started” jobs easily afford These skills are best learned from personal experience. It’s interesting to note that a frequent complaint employers have is that current crop of teenagers and college grads lack a healthy work ethic. And no wonder!

Savvy parents get that having a part-time job helps kids learn about being responsible, listening to their supervisor, and learning what it takes to succeed as an employee. Letting kids work and contribute to the family’s expenses, fosters confidence, teaches money management, and allows you to give the biggest gift of all: self-sufficiency! So even if your child doesn’t HAVE to work, it is still vitally important.

Where Pre-Teens can Look for Jobs

Neighborhood Jobs
Some of the most common job opportunities, especially for preteens, can occur within your neighborhood. Some examples are dog walking, lawn moving, weeding, mother’s helper (not
yet trained to be a babysitter), pet sitting, tutoring, auto detailing. It’s best to link an interest your child has with a need in the neighborhood.

Community Projects (for pay or as a volunteer)
Municipal government hires kids that are 14 years or older to work on community projects. Non-profit organizations can always use the help. You can also consider church or other-faith-based programs. Kids can work as “junior” church day camp or bible study aids in lieu of having to pay to attend.

Where mid-and Late Teens can Look for Jobs

Service Industry
Restaurants, especially fast food, and grocery stores are a good bet due to their high-turnover. Positions there include cashiers, servers, stockers, and kitchen crew. Gift shops, golf clubs and swimming pools are also possibilities.

Cultural Institutions
Museums, fairs, amusement parks, outdoor concerts often hire extra help to better handle large crowds during summer events. Golf clubs and swimming pools are also possibilities.

Small Businesses
Solopreneurs and small businesses hire teens for office work. Teens especially excel in offering computer assistance: setting up and maintaining Facebook business pages, creating marketing videos to post on YouTube and so on.

Create a Dream Job
Teens can offer services by teaching their skills to others, especially kids who are a bit younger. Your son or daughter could help younger children improve in a sport and get paid for passing on this knowledge. Your child could end up designing CD covers and selling his artwork! This is how young entrepreneurs get started!

Have your teens make a list of things they like to do and do well, and would enjoy teaching others. Do your kids know how to play a musical instrument; are they good at baking, cooking or crafts?

How to Help Your Kids get a Summer Job

1. Help teens identify what their good at. Teens often take their strengths and talents for granted.

2. Obtain a sample application and provide guidance on what to include. A poorly filled out application can be costly.

3. Co-create a plan targeting contacting potential employers; set realistic time-lines and follow-up on your teen.

4. Do a mock interview. Ask your teen a series of typical employment-related questions.

5. Have your kids keep a vigilant eye out for “Help Wanted” and “Now Hiring” signs. Encourage them to inquire within even if there is no sign posted. It could turn out to be perfect timing - before anyone else knows about the opening!

Just imagine how great it would be for your teens to transform their favorite tasks and interests into a summer job. With your help, they could end up wowing prospective employers with their skills and confidence.

My best,
Barbara

For more ideas on how to facilitate growth and help teens become responsible and contributing adults, refer to the 7 Simple Steps in Coach Your Teen to Success.

Whether you’re trying to get your preteen or teenager to rinse the dishes or wash the car to your satisfaction, you can get better results when you communicate clearly. To do this well,
you’ll need to first identify the current level of your child’s ability to perform the task. Ask yourself the following question:

A. Has he/she done this task well enough before? Yes.

If YES, then specifically mention what was done successfully in the past and express your confidence in his/her ability to do it again.

If the answer is yes BUT you detect an attitude of not wanting to do the task, then you’ll need to emphasize why you’re counting on him or her to do it. If the attitude persists, make sure your tone transmits empathy to draw out the underlying issues and trouble-shoot together.

B. Has he/she done this task well enough before? No.

If NO, your son or daughter has not yet done the task the way you’d like it done, then you’ll need to take the time to clearly outline the how-to’s. The challenge here is to stay positive while methodically going through the steps in order to get your standards met.

Afterward check for understanding before you turn the task over to your child. This means, pretend you don’t know how to do the task, and have your teenager show you. This is an
effective way to catch potential trouble-spots (i.e. you’ve forgotten to give enough information or your child wasn’t listening carefully enough to your instructions.)

Keep in mind that if you don’t communicate clearly, the chances are high something will get messed-up again. You’ll also want to follow up after the task has been completed to offer your thanks and/or provide further guidance.

Now some of you might be thinking that this sounds like it would take a lot of time and you could be right. Let’s compare taking a little extra time to ensuring your young person will learn to do a good job vs. abruptly requesting a task be done without providing adequate information. Is having the task done successfully now (and in the future) worth spending a little extra time upfront? I think so.

Also, if you’re short with your children, they are more likely to assume that you think they’re stupid for not already understanding what you meant. In that case, they’re more likely to live up to your low expectations of them. Better to view this situation as a teaching moment rather than an annoyance.

How to communicate effectively:

1. Make sure you have all the information you need. Know your standards. Are they realistic? Then, break the task down into specific pieces or stages. Thinking through the instructions ahead of time will help you be clear and concise.

2. Determine whether you’ve seen your son or daughter do the task well. Yes or No? If yes, have your child do the task and express your appreciation. Once a person knows how and does it consistently well, you can even be open to innovative ideas for doing the task in the future.

3. Be willing to teach. If your child has never done the task or is still struggling, be patient, give step-by-step direction, and ask probing questions to see where you can be of assistance during his/her learning curve. Acknowledge progress. Don’t just focus on the short-comings.

Each child has their own unique needs. If you know your child’s natural learning styles: visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (hands-on), incorporate them to aid getting your point across.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much easier it will be to speak clearly and effectively now that you have the tools to attain positive results.

My best,
Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC

Often it all boils down to having a perfect life. Oh, and we also want them to want what WE want for them! How are your goals for your teenagers working out for you? Is it possible that you might want too much for them?

The late Thomas Leonard, founder of the professional/personal coaching movement (first in US and then abroad), cautioned his coaches with these wise words:

“Never want more for your clients than they want for themselves.”

This statement is also true for parents with college students. As Parent Coaches, we know that we can only effect change when your son or daughter is fully committed to the goals you have for them.

Signs that you could be wanting too much from your teenage children:

Too Many Expectations

Situation: You get stuck in the future, wanting to anticipate all possible mistakes and protect your kids from any detours or hurts. You want to solve problems instead of collaboratively identify options.

Signs: Your child shuts you out. He or she feels criticized, stifled and/or overwhelmed since you’re coaching beyond his or her current level of ability and commitment.

Solution: Ask them about their dreams. Be open to adjusting your dreams in order to hold their visions for them. Keep in mind we really can’t know what’s absolutely “right” for another person.

Too Much Talking

Situation: You’re not seeing the progress you expected. You repeat yourself in order to “fix” it, but nothing changes. You get frustrated with your teens and lose confidence in your parenting abilities.

Signs: Your teenager progresses slowly, if at all. He or she acts out inappropriately in an effort to satisfy his/her inner need for independence.

Solution: Step into the role of coach. Listen with curiosity. If you’re thinking about your agenda when someone is speaking, you’re not listening. Ask insightful questions that generate a two-way conversation. This way you both feel energized instead of depleted.

Are you Doing too Much?

As parents, we are accustomed to doing things for our kids. When they don’t seem to be stepping up to the plate, we feel the need to step in. Don’t do it. Doing the work for your teenagers fosters dependency. When you take-over, you automatically take on the responsibility for the goal. You send the message that they don’t have to be responsible. The more you want something for them, the less room there is for your kids to “own” it.
Use a collaborative coaching model, such as our 7 Coach Your Teen to Success steps, to effectively discuss options. This will provide a good foundation from which to build. Then provide resources when your emerging adults are ready to receive them.

My best,

Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC

The consensus is seven. The average person needs to hear information about seven times before it is retained. Tankham (1993), like many researchers before him, he found that “learners differed greatly in the time and number of repetitions required for learning. Most learners required five to seven repetitions…”

Here’s what happens:

1. The first time we hear something, there’s generally no frame of reference for it. So it
floats right back out again.

2. The second time we hear something, we may or may not remember hearing it before, but it leaves more of an impression.

3. The third time we hear something, we are more willing to actually create “a file folder” in our computer-mind for it, for further consideration.

4. The fourth time we hear something, it sounds familiar and we are more likely to accept it with some reservations.

5. The fifth time we hear something, we begin to integrate it by acting on the information.

6. The sixth time we hear something, we understand it, but need more time to keep it “top of mind.”

7. The seventh time we hear something, we “own” it; it now belongs to us; at this stage, we often give the idea to others.

Naturally, there are other factors (learning agility, attention span, personal learning styles, emotional triggers, etc.) that can impact whether an individual needs a few repetitions or all seven (or more!).

Action step:
Be patient. If after seven times, you’re still not getting the results you are expecting, then it’s time to trouble-shoot. Get some help analyzing the specific situation to keep from nagging.

My best,

Barbara

© Barbara McRae

It’s natural that a conflict can arise when someone wants you to say “Yes” and you say “No.” This is especially the case with teenagers that haven’t yet learned how to be respectful of your role as parent-coach. In this role, you have the responsibility to choose what’s best given the situation at hand.

For example, if you give in to your underage teen’s request to make beer or wine available for a party they’re having, you’d be seen as a pushover. Teens don’t respect pushovers even when they end up getting what they want. Further, you’d be shirking your parental duties. If you refuse the request, be prepared for complaints, including “You never let me do anything. I hate you!” Here’s how you can minimize the friction.

The best strategy I’ve found is known as the “sandwich” technique. It consists of three statements. (1) Acknowledge the other person’s statement (viewpoint). This validates
them and they feel heard which allows for more willingness to hear you.(2) State the reason for your refusal and the reason why you will not or cannot comply with your teen’s wishes. (3) Add what you will do instead or can say to ease their disappointment.

Example:

1. I know you think it would be a lot more fun to have booze at your party. And that you want me to get it for you.

2. I have an obligation as a parent to keep you safe and not contribute to illegal activity. I’d rather have you think of me as being over-protective than to go along with you and then live with the guilt if someone ended up getting killed as a result of drinking and driving at your party.

3. It’s important for us to responsible. I know you care about your friends and wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to them.

Keep your statements short. Lecturing teens doesn’t work. A calm caring tone and a centered disposition will help you effectively deliver this message. If you start to lose command of your emotions, stop talking. Excuse yourself, terminating the conversation until you regroup.

If your teen is still not hearing your message, use the “broken record” technique. You simply repeat your message lovingly during your dialog, as often as it takes for your message to stick.

Know that you’ve been successful when the words leave your mouth. Don’t expect your teens to give you the satisfaction of agreeing with you. That’s much more likely to happen when they’re in their twenties!

Best-

Barbara McRae, MCC
© Barbara McRae

As children move into adolescence they are more prone to the mental affliction of comparing themselves to others. They do this not to further define who they are, but generally they make mental comparisons to evaluate how they stack up to others.

Am I as bright or beautiful as the girl sitting in the next row?

Am I considered as popular or as polished as my rival when I’m presenting a report to the entire class?

The tendency for most teenagers is to assess themselves negatively, leading to self-doubt and anxiety. Or it’s the opposite extreme; they overestimate themselves, resulting in feeling arrogant. Neither interpretation: feeling inferior or superior is helpful. It leads to feelings of unhappiness.

Underlying these mental comparisons is a habit of seeing others as competition. Kids have learned to think in hierarchical terms, i.e. where do I fit in the social or scholastic pecking order? Parents often fall into this same trap when they compare their kids to their classmates or make comparisons among their own children.

You could be wondering, “So, what’s wrong with comparing?” Much depends on the purpose of it. Comparisons are useful when individuals assess their own progress. For example, “Last year I was too shy to initiate friendships, but this year I’ve made some new friends by being the one to make the first move.” This type of comparison builds confidence and contributes to more success!

Another positive comparison is when you observe an admirable trait in another person and rather than being upset or jealous, you learn how to cultivate it for yourself. We do this by deliberately practicing a trait we wish to adopt. Then there’s no reason to feel “less than” because the focus is on being grateful to the other person for modeling the trait for us.

I invite you to re-think how you handle the mental game of making comparisons. How is comparative thinking helping you? What could you let go of to feel happier about yourself? How could you demonstrate positive comparisons to your teenagers?

Positive comparisons allow you to feel good about yourself and others. Negative comparisons cause you to feel inadequate and make it difficult for you to be around others who have a strong self-image. This is equally true for your children. Once we indulge in damaging comparisons, we neglect our strengths and our unique path becomes invisible to us.

We are all significant in our own way. Worthiness increases as we consciously develop healthy thinking habits. These habits give us the power to experience a sunny disposition even on the cloudiest of days.

My best,

Barbara

© Barbara McRae

Too Much

Let’s begin with over-involvement. Increased parental involvement over the last decade has been identified by both counselors and college officials as being a hindrance to healthy young adult development. Colleges across the country - as reported by MSNBC.com and elsewhere - have announced new customer service policies in regard to hovering parents. Some have gone so far as to hire “parent liaison officers” and “parent bouncers” to keep parents from interfering with vital learning opportunities while students live away from home.

How do you know if your involvement is over the top? Take a look at these examples:

• Your brief check-in calls happen more than once per week to give guidance on what to do, whether you are asked for it or not
• You expect your son or daughter to report to you about every little thing (how the day went, etc.) in order to steer your child in the direction that you think is right
• You make phone calls on your child’s behalf or you insist on meeting with college advisors yourself whenever you sense the slightest hint of trouble

While I realize that helicopter parents believe that they are indeed loving and caring, it’s important to understand that the most loving - and often the hardest - thing to do is to help your children become self-reliant.

Too Little

Then there is the survey data that suggests that parental involvement is lacking. This is true especially for African American and Hispanic students. These students stated that they felt a lack of support during the college search and application process.

You’re not being involved enough when:

• You think you’re doing all you need to do by financing your child’s education and related expenses
• You take very little notice of your son or daughter unless there’s obvious trouble
• You rarely, if ever, ask your children about their future goals and how they plan to attain them

Although teens may not express their desires to you directly, teenagers really do wish for parents to be involved in their lives. They want you to be interested without taking over.

Just right

Parents need to be involved in their teens’ lives, and teenagers have a strong desire to keep their parents involved in a lot of what they do. In a healthy parent-teen relationship, parents are able to offer their help or their presence when their teenagers need or want it, and teens are able to ask their parents for advice. If you have a history of being overprotective, teens often expect you to do too much for their own good.

You know you’re involvement is just right when:

• You coach your teen through handling sticky life situations, such as talking to a teacher about changing a grade or negotiating with a college roommate
• You ask your emerging adult what his or her plans are for problem-solving unwelcome events (you provide resources, not solutions), and let your child learn from the experience
• You let your child take the lead with you as the co-pilot, fostering responsibility and accountability

If parents keep their eyes on the goal to raise kids to become adults who make wise choices, then learning from mistakes is part of the process. A parent coach knows that with the right level of involvement, you might not always be happy about your teens’ choices now, but you’ll feel good that you prepared them for a happy future.

My best,

Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC

Scientists still aren’t sure whether the differences are due to nature or nurture, but the differences exist. One difference that’s especially noticeable to parents of teenage boys is that it can be tough to convince them to open up in communications with their parents.

If you’re the parent of a son whose door is closed more often than it’s open, don’t despair. By understanding why your son doesn’t feel comfortable discussing his emotions with you and by practicing excellent parent coaching skills, you can encourage more closeness between you and your son and make sure he knows that when he’s ready to talk, he can safely talk to you.

Why Teen Boys Don’t Express Themselves Easily

Teen boys have lives that are just as full and complex as those of teen girls. They may seem more distant, though, making it hard for parents to engage in heart-to-heart conversations with their sons. Parents make a mistake when they assume that their sons either aren’t having any troubles or aren’t interested in discussing what’s on their minds. In reality, many sons would relish a closer emotional relationship, but are held back for the following reasons:

• A desire for independence. The fierce desire to become independent can seem more pronounced in teenage boys. They may not feel comfortable talking about their personal lives because they want to try to work out their problems and revel in their successes on their own, to feel more independent. Sons may also feel embarrassed about letting their parents in on details about their private lives.
• A lack of communication skills and confidence. Males of all ages are typically more left-brained than females, and therefore have more trouble communicating effectively. Adolescent boys often feel like they don’t know what to say, and so are hesitant to talk to authority figures, including their parents. Even when teenage boys do know the answer to a problem, they may be reluctant to talk about it for fear of saying the wrong thing. When they don’t know the answer, that fear is compounded.
• They have different values from their parents: Part of navigating adolescence is experimenting with different belief systems. As teenagers struggle to figure out who they are, they may find that they don’t agree with their parents’ values. They could be reluctant to share their joys and troubles because they feel like their parents might judge or criticize, or because they know that their parents won’t share their opinions about what’s happening in their lives.

Parents whose sons are hesitant to develop a close emotional relationship shouldn’t lose hope. Parents can successfully build a close bond during this time. Collaborative parent coaches have a good chance of getting past these barriers with their sons by constantly re-evaluating their parenting choices.

Encouraging Communication

Even the most skilled parent coaches can’t force their teenage children — of either sex — to communicate openly. What’s important is that parents develop an atmosphere of trust and respect that encourages a feeling of safety, and that once teens do open up, parents use communication skills that encourage, rather than hinder, further discussions.

Parents first should work to build a trusting relationship with their teens. If parents make promises, even ones as simple as promising to be home by a certain time, it’s imperative that they keep those promises. And it’s critically important to honor your son’s rights to privacy. When you show your teenager that you will keep his disclosures to yourself, he’ll trust you to keep his secrets.

It’s also important that parents show teenage sons that they respect their independent thoughts. Teenagers whose parents disagree or argue with any opinions that don’t gel with their own values are less likely to offer up any more opinions. On the other hand, teens whose parents respect their opinions whether or not they agree with them are more likely to share their thoughts again.

Finally, when you talk to your teenage son, remember to let him lead the conversation. Listen to him without interrupting, and don’t give your advice until he asks for it. Refrain from asking him questions that start with “Why did you…” because those types of questions seem like attacks.

A close relationship with a teenage son can feel like a tenuous thing. Parents are most successful when they understand why their sons are reluctant to open up to them and when they work hard to develop an environment in which teens feel like it’s safe to talk.

My best,

Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC