Most parents want their teenagers to grow into self-reliant and confident adults; but letting go is hard. It can feel very uncomfortable to step aside and allow kids to go out into the world and trust that they will make good decisions on their own. One mom recently admitted that “I don’t give my daughter enough credit. In some ways, she is smarter than I was at her age.”

Parents that have consistently provided guidelines during the formative years can relax, knowing that they’ve laid a solid foundation for their kids. You might still worry a bit here and there, but you’ll remind yourself that it’s important for your emerging adults to mature and become independent.

Your kids are not perfect and will make some mistakes. Heck, we all do every day. So, attempting to keep them from making mistakes is impossible. You cannot live their life for them. And that’s a good thing because “life is the teacher.” If you’ve been allowing them to make age-appropriate choices all along, it’s a smoother ride for all involved. With practice, kids learn about themselves and eventually grow into wise adults.

Some parents cling to their children throughout high school and then abruptly turn all of the responsibility over to their kids, as they leave for college. This leaves them woefully unprepared.

What you can do…

• Free yourself of the old pattern of always telling kids what to do and begin fostering their independence, step-by-step

• Stay focused on making your life work as best as you can; and then teach them what you know when they ask you for help

• See your children for who they are becoming instead of just as an extension of yourself; accept their choices as theirs

• Be real! Don’t pretend you don’t have problems. Share what you’ve learned about how to effectively handle challenges and solve problems

As much as you can, stop focusing on what you think isn’t working in your child’s life. When children are ready to receive information, they will come to you.

Before you talk with anyone (and especially your children), make sure you are calm and grounded. If you’re upset or impatient, this is not the time to have a conversation. If you don’t center yourself first, you’ll just bring yourself more unhappiness.

You know you’re doing a great job parenting when you step aside by progressively weaning yourself away from being your child’s “go to” person.

My best-

Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC

Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert

For more information about how to know when to step aside refer to Coach Your Teen to Success–7 Simple Steps to Transform Relationships & Enrich Lives.

(http://www.amazon.com )

(c) Barbara McRae

Adults everywhere are logging on to the Web to read email, watch TV, or get their news from

newspapers and magazines online. Many are using hand-held devices to receive messages while driving, eating lunch, or waiting in line. Kids find emailing too slow, so they’ve replaced it with texting (maybe you have too). Some people even refuse to go on vacation unless they can stay plugged in.

Why it’s Addicting

It’s no wonder that parents worry their kids are getting addicted to technology. I’ve asked myself  What IS so addictive about checking email, tweets, or text messages?” and you probably have, too.

One reason that behavioral psychologists offer is that it relates to “operant conditioning.” This theory is based on the premise that behavior is shaped by its consequences. Here’s how one can get hooked:

When you check your messages, you get both bad news (junk mail, spam, chain-letters) and good news (great joke, thank you note, positive response from a friend). Often you get several boring messages before you get one that thrills you. That consequence (or reward when you receive a great message) reinforces your desire to keep checking your messages.

You can never be sure in advance whether you’ll like the message(s) or not; so, you keep checking, and checking and checking for that fantastic message. Much like chronic gamblers, who keep going for that next lucky payoff; again bases on the built-in intermittent reward system.

Dopamine - the Pleasure Enhancer

You might need to wade through twenty messages before you find another good one that will

activate your dopamine, the feel good “messenger” in your brain that allows you to feel pleasure. This feeling reinforces your future behavior. In this case, it’s continuing to check your messages, but it also applies to other less benign behaviors.

Interestingly, the experts believe that if all of your messages were positive, i.e. nothing unexpected happened, then checking your messages would lose its appeal. You wouldn’t get that feel-good surge through your brain. It would just have the same effect as taking a hot bath - a predictable pleasant experience.

Video Gaming

While statistics indicate that girls are more likely to stay plugged in via instant messaging and social media sites, boys are drawn to virtual gaming (80%). While playing video games, dopamine is also released, causing the player to feel ecstatic and in control. When playing is combined with a gaming social network, enjoyment is intensified.

Given the above information, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that according to a study on the game Everquest, gamers logged on for an average of 22 hours per week; in some cases, it was as high as 80 hours!

When is it Really an Addiction?

Engaging in an activity that one finds enjoyable 2-3 hours per day can be energizing. But if spending time online or gaming prevents a person from completing work assignments or getting sufficient sleep, that’s a warning signal!

It could be an Internet addiction disorder IF

·         Internet use is getting in the way of having a balanced life

·         The person cannot cut back on Internet/gaming activity

·         Longer time periods online are necessary to feel satiated

·         Withdrawal attempts lead to anxiety, apathy, or depression

Help is Available

For mild situations, not an addiction yet but spending too much time on the Internet, learning to say “no” with the loving support of family could suffice. For more serious situations, coaching, therapy, or a 12-step program would be more effective. In severe cases, know that there are addiction treatment centers throughout the United States that now offer help for technology addictions.

To keep from sabotaging the help that you want to provide to your teenager, refer to this simple guideline: If you stay calm, you’re well situated to help. If you’re upset, you’re in the least position to cause the change you want to happen! Your conversation will be infinitely more effective when you can stay composed, no matter what.

Time to check my messages now … Smiles!

Best-

Barbara

Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert

© Barbara McRae

My view differs slightly since I believe it can be taught IF you understand that “telling is not teaching.” There’s a big difference between embodying a value vs. forcing it.

Gratitude (or appreciation) is most powerful when it springs from within! One of the simplest ways to instill gratefulness is to focus on what you can appreciate about your talents, your children, your life and let your thankfulness spread.

Ask yourself: “What is it about feeling grateful that I enjoy?” Perhaps, it’s the warm, cozy feeling you experience. Maybe you enjoy the close connection it affords you with another person. Or could it be that staying focused on the positive keeps you feeling calm and more resourceful?

The Challenge

Parents of teenagers find that it was easier to appreciate their children when they were young, when they were filled with childhood innocence, joy, and wonder. To overcome this obstacle, challenge yourself to look for opportunities to appreciate others; it’s often easier to cultivate the habit of gratefulness if you start by acknowledging people you don’t know well yet!

You’ll speed up this process when you focus your attention away from what’s troubling you about your teens toward their positive aspects. Giving heartfelt acknowledgement for someone’s efforts can be life changing, even boosting emotional and physical health.

Developing a Daily Appreciation Habit

1. Identify What you can Always Feel Good About.

It could be your best friend, your favorite pet, or a nature scene. For best results, keep adding to your list.

2. Stay Focused on What you Like

Expand the good feelings you have (based on your list) and enumerate all of the reasons why you appreciate what you’re focusing on.

3. Choose How you Want to Feel

Write down how you feel when you are in the midst of appreciating someone or something. When your mind wants to insert thoughts of what you don’t like, read what you’ve written and select a thought that matches your goal to express gratitude. Be in harmony with what you want.

4. Make it a Ritual

To begin your day on a positive note, consider having the following ritual. Before you go to sleep at night, remind yourself of all the things that worked out well for you.

Think of as many examples as you can. At the height of your good thoughts and corresponding feelings, tell yourself that when you awaken in the AM, you’ll remember the great feelings you had the night before. It’s a fantastic way to start the day!

5. Keep a Log

To accelerate your ability to experience feelings of appreciation daily - not just on special occasions - write them down. Keep a log so that you can revisit your entries. Include what you like about others as well as yourself! In doing this consistently, you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how your life will become much more satisfying.

When you say “Yes” to what causes you to feel good, to what makes you smile, you’ll also benefit by becoming less critical of yourself.

Give yourself the gift of not only expressing your thankfulness, but making it a point to graciously receive the positive recognition and thanks from others.

Best-

Barbara

Barbara McRae, MCC

Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert

© Barbara McRae

A balanced ego, on the other hand, is when you know you have value, believe in yourself, and have enough faith in yourself that you’re not destroyed when someone disagrees with your views. So, how does one develop a healthy ego and how does this influence your parenting?

First, become friends with the ego. It’s gotten a bad rap, lately. Some people are actually trying to get rid of it. That’s simply not possible. Whatever you’re fighting against will stick to you like glue. But you can develop your ego. I like to think of the EGO as a young child that is: “Exploring Growth Opportunities.”

The ego shows up at birth. It is the part of you that needs to be loved and nurtured for it to grow into a healthy ego as you mature. It needs and wants to grow and looks for opportunities to do so. It’s the child that says: I can do it! Wise parents let the child attempt a task while closely monitoring and providing assistance, as needed. However, if parents are overprotective, that can be debilitating. And with insufficient affirming words and encouragement, the development of the ego is diminished.

Helping your Teenaged-Child Develop a Healthy Ego:

1. Become an Uplifter.

Make a list of things you appreciate about each of your children. Stay focused on the good that you are observing and speak to that part of your child in order to cultivate more of it. (The more you focus on the negative, the worse it will get.)

2. Initiate and allow Stimulating Conversation.

Model how to discuss controversial topics calmly by switching sides to further understand and explore a different viewpoint. Having a lively, but respectful, debate exercises the mind and helps the ego become more flexible. (Staying married to one limited view will do the opposite.)

3. Be willing to give them the Benefit of the Doubt.

Curb your tendency to project the worst into each situation. Give kids age-appropriate responsibilities. Provide direction and expect them to do well. This builds self-esteem and leads to a healthy ego. (Give more credit. Your anxiousness and/or negative assumptions will get in the way of healthy growth.)

4. Accept the Uniqueness of your Son or Daughter.

Self-acceptance in spite of perceived deficiencies is vital for a healthy ego. When kids feel unaccepted by the important people in their lives, their ego will suffer. That’s when they dream about becoming someone else. When kids learn to accept themselves, they enjoy being who they are and wouldn’t want to trade with anyone else. (Then, they can become the best version of themselves!)

A strong and healthy ego leads to having happiness and positive relationships with others. It allows individuals to look at themselves honestly and gives them the courage to grow and follow their unique visions for a successful life.

Best-
Barbara

Beloit College Mindset List for the Class of 2014

Most students entering college for the first time this fall—the Class of 2014—were born in 1992. For these students, Benny Hill, Sam Kinison, Sam Walton, Bert Parks and Tony Perkins have always been dead.

1. Few in the class know how to write in cursive.
2. Email is just too slow, and they seldom if ever use snail mail.
3. “Go West, Young College Grad” has always implied “and don’t stop until you get to Asia…and learn Chinese along the way.”
4. Al Gore has always been animated.
5. Los Angelenos have always been trying to get along.
6. Buffy has always been meeting her obligations to hunt down Lothos and the other blood-suckers at Hemery High.
7. “Caramel macchiato” and “venti half-caf vanilla latte” have always been street corner lingo.
8. With increasing numbers of ramps, Braille signs, and handicapped parking spaces, the world has always been trying harder to accommodate people with disabilities.
9. Had it remained operational, the villainous computer HAL could be their college classmate this fall, but they have a better chance of running into Miley Cyrus’s folks on Parents’ Weekend.
10. Entering college this fall in a country where a quarter of young people under 18 have at least one immigrant parent, they aren’t afraid of immigration…unless it involves “real” aliens from another planet.
11. John McEnroe has never played professional tennis.
12. Clint Eastwood is better known as a sensitive director than as Dirty Harry.
13. Parents and teachers feared that Beavis and Butt-head might be the voice of a lost generation.
14. Doctor Kevorkian has never been licensed to practice medicine.
15. Colorful lapel ribbons have always been worn to indicate support for a cause.
16. Korean cars have always been a staple on American highways.
17. Trading Chocolate the Moose for Patti the Platypus helped build their Beanie Baby collection.
18. Fergie is a pop singer, not a princess.
19. They never twisted the coiled handset wire aimlessly around their wrists while chatting on the phone.
20. DNA fingerprinting and maps of the human genome have always existed.
21. Woody Allen, whose heart has wanted what it wanted, has always been with Soon-Yi Previn.
22. Cross-burning has always been deemed protected speech.
23. Leasing has always allowed the folks to upgrade their tastes in cars.
24. “Cop Killer” by rapper Ice-T has never been available on a recording.
25. Leno and Letterman have always been trading insults on opposing networks.
26. Unless they found one in their grandparents’ closet, they have never seen a carousel of Kodachrome slides.
27. Computers have never lacked a CD-ROM disk drive.
28. They’ve never recognized that pointing to their wrists was a request for the time of day.
29. Reggie Jackson has always been enshrined in Cooperstown.
30. “Viewer Discretion” has always been an available warning on TV shows.
31. The first home computer they probably touched was an Apple II or Mac II; they are now in a museum.
32. Czechoslovakia has never existed.
33. Second-hand smoke has always been an official carcinogen.
34. “Assisted Living” has always been replacing nursing homes, while Hospice has always offered an alternative to the hospital.
35. Once they got through security, going to the airport has always resembled going to the mall.
36. Adhesive strips have always been available in varying skin tones.
37. Whatever their parents may have thought about the year they were born, Queen Elizabeth declared it an “Annus Horribilis.”
38. Bud Selig has always been the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.
39. Pizza jockeys from Domino’s have never killed themselves to get your pizza there in under 30 minutes.
40. There have always been HIV positive athletes in the Olympics.
41. American companies have always done business in Vietnam.
42. Potato has always ended in an “e” in New Jersey per vice presidential edict.
43. Russians and Americans have always been living together in space.
44. The dominance of television news by the three networks passed while they were still in their cribs.
45. They have always had a chance to do community service with local and federal programs to earn money for college.
46. Nirvana is on the classic oldies station.
47. Children have always been trying to divorce their parents.
48. Someone has always gotten married in space.
49. While they were babbling in strollers, there was already a female Poet Laureate of the United States.
50. Toothpaste tubes have always stood up on their caps.
51. Food has always been irradiated.
52. There have always been women priests in the Anglican Church.
53. J.R. Ewing has always been dead and gone. Hasn’t he?
54. The historic bridge at Mostar in Bosnia has always been a copy.
55. Rock bands have always played at presidential inaugural parties.
56. They may have assumed that parents’ complaints about Black Monday had to do with punk rockers from L.A., not Wall Street.
57. A purple dinosaur has always supplanted Barney Google and Barney Fife.
58. Beethoven has always been a good name for a dog.
59. By the time their folks might have noticed Coca Cola’s new Tab Clear, it was gone.
60. Walmart has never sold handguns over the counter in the lower 48.
61. Presidential appointees have always been required to be more precise about paying their nannies’ withholding tax, or else.
62. Having hundreds of cable channels but nothing to watch has always been routine.
63. Their parents’ favorite TV sitcoms have always been showing up as movies.
64. The U.S, Canada, and Mexico have always agreed to trade freely.
65. They first met Michelangelo when he was just a computer virus.
66. Galileo is forgiven and welcomed back into the Roman Catholic Church.
67. Ruth Bader Ginsburg has always sat on the Supreme Court.
68. They have never worried about a Russian missile strike on the U.S.
69. It seems the Post Office has always been going broke.
70. The artist formerly known as Snoop Doggy Dogg has always been rapping.
71. The nation has never approved of the job Congress is doing.
72. One way or another, “It’s the economy, stupid” and always has been.
73. Silicone-gel breast implants have always been regulated.
74. They’ve always been able to blast off with the Sci-Fi (SYFY) Channel.
75. Honda has always been a major competitor on Memorial Day at Indianapolis.

Best,
Barbara

According to Dr. Vincent Iannelli, there are three ADHD types based on specific symptoms:

ADHD, Inattentive Type (forgetful, distracted, doesn’t pay attention to details)

ADHD, Hyperactive-Impulsive Type (restless, fidgeting, excessive talking, interrupting, impatient)

ADHD, Combined Type (inattention, hyperactivity, and impulsivity).

Do you recognize some of these traits? Most of us can relate. Who doesn’t get forgetful, distracted, restless, or impatient at times? So whether you or your child have been diagnosed or not, you can benefit from knowing what you can do to maximize your strengths.

When I was a child, no one ever heard of ADHD. But my mother did let me know about the complaints she received from my teachers. I was much too restless in kindergarten and never took naps with the other kids. And in grade school, my mother begged me daily to please be quiet to avoid getting bad marks for “unnecessary talking!” But I still functioned well, getting nearly straight A’s all through school.

Later in life, I realized that in today’s world, I would have been diagnosed ADHD, hyperactive-impulsive. I still juggle multiple projects; not everything gets done, but the important ones do! Having effective systems help me stay organized.

ADHD as a Blessing, a Gift

My ADHD tendencies have been a blessing, not a handicap. As a child, I often felt different and these differences were not valued. Most of the kids I coach encounter similar experiences. Therefore, it’s vital to help kids understand how they can use their ADHD traits to their advantage. With plenty of affirmation and encouragement, they can be just as successful as anyone else.

I made peace with being different when I understood that my hyperactivity allows me to be a high-energy person and quick-witted as well. I love variety, creating, and being inquisitive. My creativity has many expressions: poetry, photography, watercolor/oils, cartooning, creating recipes, writing, decorating, dancing, and coaching! Some people have commented that they feel exhausted just hearing me talk about the multiple ways I delight in my creativity. (Sometimes I even amaze myself!) The point is to learn to feel good about who you are.

Tapping into Hidden Strengths

It’s often difficult to identify strengths when others harp on shortcomings. And school can be especially challenging since the typical classroom is not designed to address individual needs. The upside is that those with ADHD generally have a strong need to focus on what they love to do in order to feel happy and “right with the world.” And due to this inner need, they are far more likely to find their perfect niche and ditch a job that doesn’t fit them. That’s an advantage!

Learning to channel their energy effectively, can lead to great achievements. Some of the most creative and innovative people have ADHD. Famous people considered to have ADHD are: Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, and photographer Ansel Adams.

How Parents can Help

The ADHD symptoms referenced earlier can definitely be frustrating for everyone. It can be especially difficult for a parent to know what to do. So how can you support your child?

1. Accept and embrace ADHD.
If you have the “this is so unfortunate” mindset, then it will make it much more difficult for your child to feel worthy and confident. Focus on the benefits rather than wishing for life without ADHD.

2. Emphasize your child’s talents.
If you don’t, children are bound to use ADHD as a crutch, keeping them from having the rich and full life they deserve.

3. Stop comparing your child to others.
ADHDers wish for a sense of “belonging.” They yearn to fit in, be “normal” and feel “good enough.” Don’t contribute to their insecurity by implying they don’t measure up.

4. Help your child relax.
Share your relaxation, conscious breathing, and/or meditation techniques with your child. Start slow, just a few minutes, then add more time to reach a minimum of 10 minutes of uninterrupted relaxation.

5. Teach focusing skills.
Without proper training, the mind races ahead, taking the human for a wild ride! Introduce simple focusing skills (i.e. practice observing only one color at a time). Eventually, your child will learn to manage a seemingly overactive mind.

6. Make wise food choices.
The food we consume can either boost or deplete the body. Eliminate foods or supplements that contain nitrates, artificial colors, aspartame, and MSG. Studies indicate that these additives can lead to or aggravate hyperactivity. Conversely, Omega-3 supplements can lesson ADHD symptoms.

7. Identify tools and systems for prioritizing tasks.
Help your child get organized and stay organized by creating a customized system. Stop nagging. Use creative and fun reminders; get input from your creative child.

A common trap parents (especially those without ADHD) fall into is forgetting that you are not your child. And your child is not you. Your child is not “broken.” We are all unique. The ADHD brain is just wired differently and if this difference is perceived negatively, it can bury amazing strengths. To tap into the beauty of your child’s reality, focus on the positive.

I have accepted my hyperactivity and live a balanced life. I’ve learned that it IS possible to relax, even meditate, and focus. It was a slow process for me but I stuck with it. (I started in the late 80s!). Eating fresh and unprocessed food has made a huge difference in my life. And I credit my father for insisting on healthy eating for all of us! I still fidget, cross and re-cross my legs (especially in the movie theater) but not nearly as much.

I often don’t finish reading all the books I’ve started, and I’m never at a loss for creative ideas. Sometimes I take on too much (a typical overachiever). I’m thriving and I love my life! That’s what I want for you, and your family, too. A unique and beautiful life you love!

Best-

Barbara

Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert

More Support for your ADHD Child

While it’s alright for boys to have fun, there is a point at which playful behavior crosses a line into inappropriate behavior. How do you decide what’s OK and what isn’t? This is often the first hurdle for parents. A mom I’m working with right now doesn’t want her teens to call their classmates stupid. Another parent might object if a harsher word is used (retard or worse). So how do you find that balance between letting boys be boys and training them in the ways of gentlemen?

1. Keep the end in mind.
What do you want to accomplish? If you want your sons to respect women, authority, and each other, then you’ll need to intervene; this is easier when they are still young. Teens are more challenging because much of their social behavior is already set. If you have weak boundaries or are inconsistent, bad boy behavior can lead to men who behave badly.

ACTION STEP: Boys need to learn that their courage and strength are not to be used to have power over others. Identify the social conduct you want to emphasize in your home. Have clear expectations and concrete consequences.

2. Explain why it’s important.
It’s easier to motivate teens to upgrade their manners if it makes sense to them. Let’s use table manners as an example. Kids are often surprised to hear that job interviews can include having a meal with a potential employer for the sole purpose of assessing an interviewee’s dining etiquette; this is especially true for certain sales and managerial positions. Speaking with your mouth full or leaving your cell phone on the table can be a “deal-killer.”

ACTION STEP: Consider having a formal meal with your family every Sunday or at least once a month. This helps young people get comfortable with tableware they don’t ordinarily use.

3. Demonstrate the behavior you wish to cultivate.
Remember, your sons are watching and listening to you. This ought to be obvious but bears repeating: “Do as I say but not as I do” does not work. In particular, boys will especially emulate what they see and hear the men in their lives do, and will take notice when men get away with bad behavior. The words “please”, “thank you”, and “excuse me” are just as relevant today as they were in the past.

ACTION STEP: Keep in mind that you are the leader. Stop and think about what you’re going to say and do. Would you want your teens to follow in your footsteps?

4. Discuss “real world” examples.
Teens look up to celebrities, so help them discover the ones who live a life of integrity and respect others. The media often highlights the negative things that “stars” do, so point out the ones that have great relationships, work for a charity or offer a helping hand.

ACTION STEP: Start looking for good examples in everyday life: TV shows, movies, magazines, etc. I just recently used the example of Will Blakelee, the character in “The Last Song” (movie and book by the same title) to demonstrate how this high school grad tapped into his courage to “do the right thing” even though his best friend pressured him not to stand up for the truth.

Your son is a “man in training.” Believe in his greatness. We all make poor decisions at times. What’s important is to learn from them. The more boys become aware of the power of their words and actions, the easier it will be for them to assess what’s really working for them and what isn’t. That’s when they’ll be motivated to make better choices and build the reputation of a gentlemen and a “man of character.”

Best-
Barbara

Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert

Author of Coach Your Teen to Success, Parent-Teen Expert, GEN Y Guide

It might just be the latter IF you believe kids don’t need a part-time job since…

… They’re involved in plenty of extra-curricular or sports activities.

… They’re expected to excel in all school-taught subjects and have the highest GPA possible.

… They’re not expected to contribute to their personal expenses or their college fund since money is not an issue.

Did you know that fewer teens have part-time jobs nowadays?
It’s not just because jobs are scarce and filled by adults, often retirees. It’s also because GEN X parents just aren’t as focused on the benefits of their kids learning the basic
skills that the “just-getting-started” jobs easily afford These skills are best learned from personal experience. It’s interesting to note that a frequent complaint employers have is that current crop of teenagers and college grads lack a healthy work ethic. And no wonder!

Savvy parents get that having a part-time job helps kids learn about being responsible, listening to their supervisor, and learning what it takes to succeed as an employee. Letting kids work and contribute to the family’s expenses, fosters confidence, teaches money management, and allows you to give the biggest gift of all: self-sufficiency! So even if your child doesn’t HAVE to work, it is still vitally important.

Where Pre-Teens can Look for Jobs

Neighborhood Jobs
Some of the most common job opportunities, especially for preteens, can occur within your neighborhood. Some examples are dog walking, lawn moving, weeding, mother’s helper (not
yet trained to be a babysitter), pet sitting, tutoring, auto detailing. It’s best to link an interest your child has with a need in the neighborhood.

Community Projects (for pay or as a volunteer)
Municipal government hires kids that are 14 years or older to work on community projects. Non-profit organizations can always use the help. You can also consider church or other-faith-based programs. Kids can work as “junior” church day camp or bible study aids in lieu of having to pay to attend.

Where mid-and Late Teens can Look for Jobs

Service Industry
Restaurants, especially fast food, and grocery stores are a good bet due to their high-turnover. Positions there include cashiers, servers, stockers, and kitchen crew. Gift shops, golf clubs and swimming pools are also possibilities.

Cultural Institutions
Museums, fairs, amusement parks, outdoor concerts often hire extra help to better handle large crowds during summer events. Golf clubs and swimming pools are also possibilities.

Small Businesses
Solopreneurs and small businesses hire teens for office work. Teens especially excel in offering computer assistance: setting up and maintaining Facebook business pages, creating marketing videos to post on YouTube and so on.

Create a Dream Job
Teens can offer services by teaching their skills to others, especially kids who are a bit younger. Your son or daughter could help younger children improve in a sport and get paid for passing on this knowledge. Your child could end up designing CD covers and selling his artwork! This is how young entrepreneurs get started!

Have your teens make a list of things they like to do and do well, and would enjoy teaching others. Do your kids know how to play a musical instrument; are they good at baking, cooking or crafts?

How to Help Your Kids get a Summer Job

1. Help teens identify what their good at. Teens often take their strengths and talents for granted.

2. Obtain a sample application and provide guidance on what to include. A poorly filled out application can be costly.

3. Co-create a plan targeting contacting potential employers; set realistic time-lines and follow-up on your teen.

4. Do a mock interview. Ask your teen a series of typical employment-related questions.

5. Have your kids keep a vigilant eye out for “Help Wanted” and “Now Hiring” signs. Encourage them to inquire within even if there is no sign posted. It could turn out to be perfect timing - before anyone else knows about the opening!

Just imagine how great it would be for your teens to transform their favorite tasks and interests into a summer job. With your help, they could end up wowing prospective employers with their skills and confidence.

My best,
Barbara

Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert

For more ideas on how to facilitate growth and help teens become responsible and contributing adults, refer to the 7 Simple Steps in Coach Your Teen to Success.

Whether you’re trying to get your preteen or teenager to rinse the dishes or wash the car to your satisfaction, you can get better results when you communicate clearly. To do this well,
you’ll need to first identify the current level of your child’s ability to perform the task. Ask yourself the following question:

A. Has he/she done this task well enough before? Yes.

If YES, then specifically mention what was done successfully in the past and express your confidence in his/her ability to do it again.

If the answer is yes BUT you detect an attitude of not wanting to do the task, then you’ll need to emphasize why you’re counting on him or her to do it. If the attitude persists, make sure your tone transmits empathy to draw out the underlying issues and trouble-shoot together.

B. Has he/she done this task well enough before? No.

If NO, your son or daughter has not yet done the task the way you’d like it done, then you’ll need to take the time to clearly outline the how-to’s. The challenge here is to stay positive while methodically going through the steps in order to get your standards met.

Afterward check for understanding before you turn the task over to your child. This means, pretend you don’t know how to do the task, and have your teenager show you. This is an
effective way to catch potential trouble-spots (i.e. you’ve forgotten to give enough information or your child wasn’t listening carefully enough to your instructions.)

Keep in mind that if you don’t communicate clearly, the chances are high something will get messed-up again. You’ll also want to follow up after the task has been completed to offer your thanks and/or provide further guidance.

Now some of you might be thinking that this sounds like it would take a lot of time and you could be right. Let’s compare taking a little extra time to ensuring your young person will learn to do a good job vs. abruptly requesting a task be done without providing adequate information. Is having the task done successfully now (and in the future) worth spending a little extra time upfront? I think so.

Also, if you’re short with your children, they are more likely to assume that you think they’re stupid for not already understanding what you meant. In that case, they’re more likely to live up to your low expectations of them. Better to view this situation as a teaching moment rather than an annoyance.

How to communicate effectively:

1. Make sure you have all the information you need. Know your standards. Are they realistic? Then, break the task down into specific pieces or stages. Thinking through the instructions ahead of time will help you be clear and concise.

2. Determine whether you’ve seen your son or daughter do the task well. Yes or No? If yes, have your child do the task and express your appreciation. Once a person knows how and does it consistently well, you can even be open to innovative ideas for doing the task in the future.

3. Be willing to teach. If your child has never done the task or is still struggling, be patient, give step-by-step direction, and ask probing questions to see where you can be of assistance during his/her learning curve. Acknowledge progress. Don’t just focus on the short-comings.

Each child has their own unique needs. If you know your child’s natural learning styles: visual, auditory, or kinesthetic (hands-on), incorporate them to aid getting your point across.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much easier it will be to speak clearly and effectively now that you have the tools to attain positive results.

My best,
Barbara

Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert

Barbara McRae, MCC

Often it all boils down to having a perfect life. Oh, and we also want them to want what WE want for them! How are your goals for your teenagers working out for you? Is it possible that you might want too much for them?

The late Thomas Leonard, founder of the professional/personal coaching movement (first in US and then abroad), cautioned his coaches with these wise words:

“Never want more for your clients than they want for themselves.”

This statement is also true for parents with college students. As Parent Coaches, we know that we can only effect change when your son or daughter is fully committed to the goals you have for them.

Signs that you could be wanting too much from your teenage children:

Too Many Expectations

Situation: You get stuck in the future, wanting to anticipate all possible mistakes and protect your kids from any detours or hurts. You want to solve problems instead of collaboratively identify options.

Signs: Your child shuts you out. He or she feels criticized, stifled and/or overwhelmed since you’re coaching beyond his or her current level of ability and commitment.

Solution: Ask them about their dreams. Be open to adjusting your dreams in order to hold their visions for them. Keep in mind we really can’t know what’s absolutely “right” for another person.

Too Much Talking

Situation: You’re not seeing the progress you expected. You repeat yourself in order to “fix” it, but nothing changes. You get frustrated with your teens and lose confidence in your parenting abilities.

Signs: Your teenager progresses slowly, if at all. He or she acts out inappropriately in an effort to satisfy his/her inner need for independence.

Solution: Step into the role of coach. Listen with curiosity. If you’re thinking about your agenda when someone is speaking, you’re not listening. Ask insightful questions that generate a two-way conversation. This way you both feel energized instead of depleted.

Are you Doing too Much?

As parents, we are accustomed to doing things for our kids. When they don’t seem to be stepping up to the plate, we feel the need to step in. Don’t do it. Doing the work for your teenagers fosters dependency. When you take-over, you automatically take on the responsibility for the goal. You send the message that they don’t have to be responsible. The more you want something for them, the less room there is for your kids to “own” it.
Use a collaborative coaching model, such as our 7 Coach Your Teen to Success steps, to effectively discuss options. This will provide a good foundation from which to build. Then provide resources when your emerging adults are ready to receive them.

My best,
Barbara

Author, Coach, Parent/Teen Expert

Barbara McRae, MCC