The majority of the parents I coach have this in common: they want their kids to have what’s “best.” The specifics vary, but can take the shape of: the BEST grades, schools, jobs, clothes, friends, mates, educators, bosses, cars, health, and/or opportunities.

Often it all boils down to having a perfect life. Oh, and we also want them to want what WE want for them! How are your goals for your teenagers working out for you? Is it possible that you might want too much for them?

The late Thomas Leonard, founder of the professional/personal coaching movement (first in US and then abroad), cautioned his coaches with these wise words:

“Never want more for your clients than they want for themselves.”

This statement is also true for parents with college students. As Parent Coaches, we know that we can only effect change when your son or daughter is fully committed to the goals you have for them.

Signs that you could be wanting too much from your teenage children:

Too Many Expectations

Situation: You get stuck in the future, wanting to anticipate all possible mistakes and protect your kids from any detours or hurts. You want to solve problems instead of collaboratively identify options.

Signs: Your child shuts you out. He or she feels criticized, stifled and/or overwhelmed since you’re coaching beyond his or her current level of ability and commitment.

Solution: Ask them about their dreams. Be open to adjusting your dreams in order to hold their visions for them. Keep in mind we really can’t know what’s absolutely “right” for another person.

Too Much Talking

Situation: You’re not seeing the progress you expected. You repeat yourself in order to “fix” it, but nothing changes. You get frustrated with your teens and lose confidence in your parenting abilities.

Signs: Your teenager progresses slowly, if at all. He or she acts out inappropriately in an effort to satisfy his/her inner need for independence.

Solution: Step into the role of coach. Listen with curiosity. If you’re thinking about your agenda when someone is speaking, you’re not listening. Ask insightful questions that generate a two-way conversation. This way you both feel energized instead of depleted.

Are you Doing too Much?

As parents, we are accustomed to doing things for our kids. When they don’t seem to be stepping up to the plate, we feel the need to step in. Don’t do it. Doing the work for your teenagers fosters dependency. When you take-over, you automatically take on the responsibility for the goal. You send the message that they don’t have to be responsible. The more you want something for them, the less room there is for your kids to “own” it.
Use a collaborative coaching model, such as our 7 Coach Your Teen to Success steps, to effectively discuss options. This will provide a good foundation from which to build. Then provide resources when your emerging adults are ready to receive them.

A popular question from parents is: “Why does it take so long to get through to my kids? What I say doesn’t seem to stick!” Much of it has to do with how we learn. We learn through repetition. But how much repetition does it take before you begin to get diminishing returns?

The consensus is seven. The average person needs to hear information about seven times before it is retained. Tankham (1993), like many researchers before him, he found that “learners differed greatly in the time and number of repetitions required for learning. Most learners required five to seven repetitions…”

Here’s what happens:

1. The first time we hear something, there’s generally no frame of reference for it. So it
floats right back out again.

2. The second time we hear something, we may or may not remember hearing it before, but it leaves more of an impression.

3. The third time we hear something, we are more willing to actually create “a file folder” in our computer-mind for it, for further consideration.

4. The fourth time we hear something, it sounds familiar and we are more likely to accept it with some reservations.

5. The fifth time we hear something, we begin to integrate it by acting on the information.

6. The sixth time we hear something, we understand it, but need more time to keep it “top of mind.”

7. The seventh time we hear something, we “own” it; it now belongs to us; at this stage, we often give the idea to others.

Naturally, there are other factors (learning agility, attention span, personal learning styles, emotional triggers, etc.) that can impact whether an individual needs a few repetitions or all seven (or more!).

Action step:
Be patient. If after seven times, you’re still not getting the results you are expecting, then it’s time to trouble-shoot. Get some help analyzing the specific situation to keep from nagging.

Barbara McRae, MCC is a nationally known parent/teen expert, bestselling author, host of Bridging the GAP Radio Show, and founder of www.Teenfrontier.com. She is passionate about easing stress and enhancing parent-teen relationships. Her unique teen advice parenting approach regularly appears online, in print, and in the media. Barbara’s licensed facilitators deliver Coach Your Teen to Success™ and the Study of YOU™ programs internationally.

© Barbara McRae

One of my clients, we’ll call her JoAnn, has two teenagers. She asked me to help her say “No” calmly. She tends to avoid any kind of possible conflict, and when she is faced with one, she gets highly stressed, belaboring the point until the message is lost.

It’s natural that a conflict can arise when someone wants you to say “Yes” and you say “No.” This is especially the case with teenagers that haven’t yet learned how to be respectful of your role as parent-coach. In this role, you have the responsibility to choose what’s best given the situation at hand.

For example, if you give in to your underage teen’s request to make beer or wine available for a party they’re having, you’d be seen as a pushover. Teens don’t respect pushovers even when they end up getting what they want. Further, you’d be shirking your parental duties. If you refuse the request, be prepared for complaints, including “You never let me do anything. I hate you!” Here’s how you can minimize the friction.

The best strategy I’ve found is known as the “sandwich” technique. It consists of three statements. (1) Acknowledge the other person’s statement (viewpoint). This validates
them and they feel heard which allows for more willingness to hear you.(2) State the reason for your refusal and the reason why you will not or cannot comply with your teen’s wishes. (3) Add what you will do instead or can say to ease their disappointment.

Example:

1. I know you think it would be a lot more fun to have booze at your party. And that you want me to get it for you.

2. I have an obligation as a parent to keep you safe and not contribute to illegal activity. I’d rather have you think of me as being over-protective than to go along with you and then live with the guilt if someone ended up getting killed as a result of drinking and driving at your party.

3. It’s important for us to responsible. I know you care about your friends and wouldn’t want anything like that to happen to them.

Keep your statements short. Lecturing teens doesn’t work. A calm caring tone and a centered disposition will help you effectively deliver this message. If you start to lose command of your emotions, stop talking. Excuse yourself, terminating the conversation until you regroup.

If your teen is still not hearing your message, use the “broken record” technique. You simply repeat your message lovingly during your dialog, as often as it takes for your message to stick.

Know that you’ve been successful when the words leave your mouth. Don’t expect your teens to give you the satisfaction of agreeing with you. That’s much more likely to happen when they’re in their twenties!

Best-

Barbara McRae, MCC
© Barbara McRae

It’s in our nature to make comparisons. We compare people, places, things and even the weather. The majority of the comparisons we make rarely contribute to getting into a warm weather spirit; mostly, they bring us distress.

As children move into adolescence they are more prone to the mental affliction of comparing themselves to others. They do this not to further define who they are, but generally they make mental comparisons to evaluate how they stack up to others.

Am I as bright or beautiful as the girl sitting in the next row?

Am I considered as popular or as polished as my rival when I’m presenting a report to the entire class?

The tendency for most teenagers is to assess themselves negatively, leading to self-doubt and anxiety. Or it’s the opposite extreme; they overestimate themselves, resulting in feeling arrogant. Neither interpretation: feeling inferior or superior is helpful. It leads to feelings of unhappiness.

Underlying these mental comparisons is a habit of seeing others as competition. Kids have learned to think in hierarchical terms, i.e. where do I fit in the social or scholastic pecking order? Parents often fall into this same trap when they compare their kids to their classmates or make comparisons among their own children.

You could be wondering, “So, what’s wrong with comparing?” Much depends on the purpose of it. Comparisons are useful when individuals assess their own progress. For example, “Last year I was too shy to initiate friendships, but this year I’ve made some new friends by being the one to make the first move.” This type of comparison builds confidence and contributes to more success!

Another positive comparison is when you observe an admirable trait in another person and rather than being upset or jealous, you learn how to cultivate it for yourself. We do this by deliberately practicing a trait we wish to adopt. Then there’s no reason to feel “less than” because the focus is on being grateful to the other person for modeling the trait for us.

I invite you to re-think how you handle the mental game of making comparisons. How is comparative thinking helping you? What could you let go of to feel happier about yourself? How could you demonstrate positive comparisons to your teenagers?

Positive comparisons allow you to feel good about yourself and others. Negative comparisons cause you to feel inadequate and make it difficult for you to be around others who have a strong self-image. This is equally true for your children. Once we indulge in damaging comparisons, we neglect our strengths and our unique path becomes invisible to us.

We are all significant in our own way. Worthiness increases as we consciously develop healthy thinking habits. These habits give us the power to experience a sunny disposition even on the cloudiest of days.

© Barbara McRae

Too Much

Let’s begin with over-involvement. Increased parental involvement over the last decade has been identified by both counselors and college officials as being a hindrance to healthy young adult development. Colleges across the country - as reported by MSNBC.com and elsewhere - have announced new customer service policies in regard to hovering parents. Some have gone so far as to hire “parent liaison officers” and “parent bouncers” to keep parents from interfering with vital learning opportunities while students live away from home.

How do you know if your involvement is over the top? Take a look at these examples:

• Your brief check-in calls happen more than once per week to give guidance on what to do, whether you are asked for it or not
• You expect your son or daughter to report to you about every little thing (how the day went, etc.) in order to steer your child in the direction that you think is right
• You make phone calls on your child’s behalf or you insist on meeting with college advisors yourself whenever you sense the slightest hint of trouble

While I realize that helicopter parents believe that they are indeed loving and caring, it’s important to understand that the most loving - and often the hardest - thing to do is to help your children become self-reliant.

Too Little

Then there is the survey data that suggests that parental involvement is lacking. This is true especially for African American and Hispanic students. These students stated that they felt a lack of support during the college search and application process.

You’re not being involved enough when:

• You think you’re doing all you need to do by financing your child’s education and related expenses
• You take very little notice of your son or daughter unless there’s obvious trouble
• You rarely, if ever, ask your children about their future goals and how they plan to attain them

Although teens may not express their desires to you directly, teenagers really do wish for parents to be involved in their lives. They want you to be interested without taking over.

Just right

Parents need to be involved in their teens’ lives, and teenagers have a strong desire to keep their parents involved in a lot of what they do. In a healthy parent-teen relationship, parents are able to offer their help or their presence when their teenagers need or want it, and teens are able to ask their parents for advice. If you have a history of being overprotective, teens often expect you to do too much for their own good.

You know you’re involvement is just right when:

• You coach your teen through handling sticky life situations, such as talking to a teacher about changing a grade or negotiating with a college roommate
• You ask your emerging adult what his or her plans are for problem-solving unwelcome events (you provide resources, not solutions), and let your child learn from the experience
• You let your child take the lead with you as the co-pilot, fostering responsibility and accountability

If parents keep their eyes on the goal to raise kids to become adults who make wise choices, then learning from mistakes is part of the process. A parent coach knows that with the right level of involvement, you might not always be happy about your teens’ choices now, but you’ll feel good that you prepared them for a happy future.

Scientists still aren’t sure whether the differences are due to nature or nurture, but the differences exist. One difference that’s especially noticeable to parents of teenage boys is that it can be tough to convince them to open up in communications with their parents.

If you’re the parent of a son whose door is closed more often than it’s open, don’t despair. By understanding why your son doesn’t feel comfortable discussing his emotions with you and by practicing excellent parent coaching skills, you can encourage more closeness between you and your son and make sure he knows that when he’s ready to talk, he can safely talk to you.

Why Teen Boys Don’t Express Themselves Easily

Teen boys have lives that are just as full and complex as those of teen girls. They may seem more distant, though, making it hard for parents to engage in heart-to-heart conversations with their sons. Parents make a mistake when they assume that their sons either aren’t having any troubles or aren’t interested in discussing what’s on their minds. In reality, many sons would relish a closer emotional relationship, but are held back for the following reasons:

• A desire for independence. The fierce desire to become independent can seem more pronounced in teenage boys. They may not feel comfortable talking about their personal lives because they want to try to work out their problems and revel in their successes on their own, to feel more independent. Sons may also feel embarrassed about letting their parents in on details about their private lives.
• A lack of communication skills and confidence. Males of all ages are typically more left-brained than females, and therefore have more trouble communicating effectively. Adolescent boys often feel like they don’t know what to say, and so are hesitant to talk to authority figures, including their parents. Even when teenage boys do know the answer to a problem, they may be reluctant to talk about it for fear of saying the wrong thing. When they don’t know the answer, that fear is compounded.
• They have different values from their parents: Part of navigating adolescence is experimenting with different belief systems. As teenagers struggle to figure out who they are, they may find that they don’t agree with their parents’ values. They could be reluctant to share their joys and troubles because they feel like their parents might judge or criticize, or because they know that their parents won’t share their opinions about what’s happening in their lives.

Parents whose sons are hesitant to develop a close emotional relationship shouldn’t lose hope. Parents can successfully build a close bond during this time. Collaborative parent coaches have a good chance of getting past these barriers with their sons by constantly re-evaluating their parenting choices.

Encouraging Communication

Even the most skilled parent coaches can’t force their teenage children — of either sex — to communicate openly. What’s important is that parents develop an atmosphere of trust and respect that encourages a feeling of safety, and that once teens do open up, parents use communication skills that encourage, rather than hinder, further discussions.

Parents first should work to build a trusting relationship with their teens. If parents make promises, even ones as simple as promising to be home by a certain time, it’s imperative that they keep those promises. And it’s critically important to honor your son’s rights to privacy. When you show your teenager that you will keep his disclosures to yourself, he’ll trust you to keep his secrets.

It’s also important that parents show teenage sons that they respect their independent thoughts. Teenagers whose parents disagree or argue with any opinions that don’t gel with their own values are less likely to offer up any more opinions. On the other hand, teens whose parents respect their opinions whether or not they agree with them are more likely to share their thoughts again.

Finally, when you talk to your teenage son, remember to let him lead the conversation. Listen to him without interrupting, and don’t give your advice until he asks for it. Refrain from asking him questions that start with “Why did you…” because those types of questions seem like attacks.

A close relationship with a teenage son can feel like a tenuous thing. Parents are most successful when they understand why their sons are reluctant to open up to them and when they work hard to develop an environment in which teens feel like it’s safe to talk.

Your honest answer will instantly reveal what’s really going on for you. Do you feel relieved and happy that your child is home or do you sigh as your stomach tightens? If it’s the latter, it’s time to stop pretending that everything is OK and begin to take an inventory. Instead of listing all of the things that are annoying you, pay attention to all the things that are going well.

Granted this could be a short list as parents experience changes in their children, at the preteen stage, when kids are programmed to begin carving out their self-identity. I often hear, “Before my children started middle school, we rarely argued about anything. Now we seem to go head-to-head every week.” Teens will question you, try on different view points, and assert their independence. Parents often wonder what happened to their lovable kid! He or she is still in there. Believe it or not, this too shall pass.

In the meantime, you can minimize the number of conflicts you have by identifying the areas where you can agree and place your attention there. This will increase your connection. Establishing a heart-to-heart connection is critical as your parent-teen relationship evolves. Here’s how:

1. Make a Heart Connection.
It’s all in the connection. Thinking positive thoughts about your teen, helps you get into a natural state of rapport. You know you have rapport when you feel peaceful and conversations are a breeze. Without rapport, the relationship suffers. Find something you both enjoy talking about or doing together. Keep the connection alive.

2. Be Willing to Dance.
As a child strives for self-identity there will naturally exit a push and pull between parent and teen; adjust your style accordingly. Be flexible. Sometimes your teen will act like she’s 30 years old and at other times it feels like she’s only three. Your teen often feels just as bewildered as you.

3. Cultivate Curiosity.
Listen to what your teen wants to talk about. Let it be about him, not you. Have him tell you “his story” without interrupting. Pretend you are listening to the smartest person you know and you don’t want to miss a word!

4. Communicate Respectfully.
Demonstrate empathy and refrain from freely dispensing advice. When your communication becomes a one-sided lecture, it usually gets tuned out. Get more information before you say anything. Manage your feelings. Take deep breaths if you have to.

5. Show your Appreciation.
Every child was born with special attributes. Know what they are for your teen and comment on these daily. Go beyond her performance. Say, I really appreciate ________ about you. Make it specific and personal. Be real. Teens know when you’re not authentic.

6. Spend Quality and Quantity Time.
Schedule a weekly date with your teen. Often parents believe that teens need less from them than young children. Not true. Teens need for parents to stay connected with them so that they can feel their parents’ love.

7. Help Teens Solve Their Own Problems.
Let them talk through their concerns and options. Let go of the “fix it” mentality. It’s been said that if you carry a person long enough, eventually his legs will stop working. Empower teens to find their own way with you, as their gentle guide

Whether you want to change your relationship with your teen from “bad” to “good” or from “good” to “great,” it begins with you. You are the parent, the leader, the coach! Connection produces a foundation of mutual trust and respect so that you can show genuine concern for your teen’s welfare and future. In doing so, you’ll create a powerful bond that lasts a lifetime!
Barbara McRae, MCC is a nationally known parent/teen expert, bestselling author, host of Bridging the GAP Radio Show, and founder of www.TeenFrontier.com. She is passionate about easing stress and enhancing parent-teen relationships. Her unique teen advice parenting approach regularly appears online, in print, and in the media. Barbara’s licensed facilitators deliver Coach Your Teen to Success ™, Coach Your STUDENT to Success™ and the Study of YOU™ programs internationally.

1. Heart
When you are a parent with heart, you’ll demonstrate affection, kindness, compassion, and daily expressions of love in both words and deeds.

2. Empathy
When you are willing to temporarily “live” in the world of another to identify feelings, thoughts, and beliefs, your personal bond strengthens.

3. Adaptability
When you choose to be flexible with your expectations during new or challenging circumstances, you will weather the storm with your relationships intact.

4. Respect
When you treat teens (and all family members) with high regard simply because they have inherent value as human beings, you enhance self-esteem.

5. Trust
When you are trustworthy–predictably dependable–and you create a safe environment, your teens will be more confident, ethical, and better adjusted.

6. Appreciation
When you look for the positive, praise, and express gratitude, you will be fulfilling one of your teen’s most basic human needs.

7. Commitment
When you are dedicated to the well-being of your relationships, you will be loyal and motivated to devote quality time to each family member, resulting in enjoying a firm family foundation.

8. Conflict resolution
When you view disagreements, stress, or crisis as opportunities for learning about each other, you will promote growth for all involved.

9. Enhanced communication
When you use the 7-step parent coaching approach, you will naturally create enhanced communication where each person freely expresses their feelings and thoughts, is fully heard, and given the utmost consideration.

10. Support
When there is a clear understanding of responsibilities and teens have a voice in decision making and consequences, you will be successfully supporting your teen’s passage from child to adult.

Together these initial letters spell HeartAcces(s). Keep this acronym in mind as you learn and practice the 7-step approach to Coaching Your Teen to Success.

Blogging is quickly becoming the “teen” pastime of choice. It has huge appeal because (1) it’s fast and easy; if you can write, you can blog. (2) it’s a place that allows free self expression. (3) it’s interactive; young people post their replies to individual blogs. (4) it’s social; kids can connect and share their ideas with other young people.

All of these reasons perfectly fit the needs of the Atari generation: Kids born in the early 80s who grew up with video games. These kids are wired differently; they have unique characteristics and have a strong need for attention, close connection, and a fast feedback loop.

Blogging at its best, can build social skills, enhance writing ability, and provide opportunities for asserting personal views and concerns to millions on the net.

At worst, blogging can turn negative. The illusion of privacy, typing into your computer within your own four walls, can lead to dangerous consequences, including a rise in Internet stalking and cyber bullying.

Often the need for attention and self-identity is so great that teens
post provacative pictures and outrageous descriptions that can get them
in trouble. Blogging may FEEL like it’s private, but it’s public! Plus, posting information that is deemed harmful to a person’s reputation can result in legal action.

Blogging Tips for Teens:

1. Keep personal information about YOURSELF private; leave detailed information about your name, contact data, school name, your close relationships, and the places you frequent out of your blog. Predators look for this information.

2. Keep personal information about OTHERS private; giving out their contact information could endanger others. If you want to vent about suspicions you have of the behavior of others, don’t post it. Rumors are gossip; if you gossip verbally and it causes injury to another, it’s slander; if you post it, it’s libel.

3. Check your post before submitting it. Read it as if you were a stranger and double check for revealing personal information. Then, ask yourself, how you’d feel if your post was read by your parents or teachers. Would you still send it? How about if it showed up in your daily newspaper? Remember, blogs are public. If you’re not comfortable having the whole world know your content, rewrite it.

4. Check the photos that you are including. Are you compromising yourself or others? Would you be comfortable having your future employer see them? It’s possible they would. The photos and information you post is readily accessible to anyone.

5. Protect your blog. Keep your password to yourself and exit out of your blog page when your computer is unattended to be sure that no one else can enter and write something, pretending to be you.

IF you are concerned about your teen’s blog, you can do a search on Google (www.blogsearch.google.com). Use keywords (your child’s name or email address). You can also go directly to the popular teen sites listed above and enter your search information.

Should you read your child’s blog? Given the public nature of blogs, why not? Just make sure that you don’t over react if you find something disturbing. Turn it into a teaching opportunity instead.

Consider this:
You can’t help your teens if you’re uninformed.

On one level we know that getting good grades does not ensure getting a great job—let alone result in being happy. In fact, most people are miserable in their jobs. Yet, if our child doesn’t follow this conventional path, there’s a tendency to think we have failed in some way. Nonsense!

Consider this: Instead of pushing your kid to get the highest grade, find out what your teen’s interests and passions are.

I believe that all of us have God-given gifts and a specific purpose. Many young people (and some parents!) carry around this big, burdensome idea of what they “should” be doing. I did, too. When I was a teen, I was worried that God wanted me to be a missionary in a grass hut; for me roughing it is staying at a motel! It took me years to realize I could trade a grass hut for a cell phone.

The good news is your true mission is what we want to do, what we are uniquely created to do, what we can’t wait to jump out of bed in the morning to do. It IS possible to discover our purpose—sooner rather than later!

Here’s how. Ask your teen these five key questions:

1. What do you want to do all day?
If your son answers, “I just want to play video games”, just listen, don’t panic. Video game designing is a hot new field. Recently a father and his 16-year-old son discovered that a passion for playing video games can pay off. Granted not all kids who enjoy computer games have what it takes to turn it into a bona fide career. In this case, game artist suited this young man’s natural strengths.

2. Which of your natural talents do you enjoy the most?
The best way to approach this is by noting what your child is already good at. Talent is defined as “a natural ability, aptitude, or recurring productive behavior.” If your teen has trouble answering, go ahead and offer your observations. Just make sure you don’t project your dreams on to your daughter. Remember Casey’s mom in the movie Ice Princess? Rather than being supportive, this mom let her own preferences get in the way as Casey began to realize her real passion was ice skating, not attending Harvard.

3. Where do you want to do it?
Where you work—your work environment—is just as important as what you will be doing. Most people are dissatisfied or mismatched in their jobs, don’t let your teen become one of them. Plenty of people are stuck in an office when they’d rather be outdoors. Or, they work in a big corporate environment when they’d really shine in a smaller company. A case in point is a pre-law student who discovered that law is the right career path for her, if she works in a corporate environment, not in private practice with a small law firm!

4. What are the challenges that lay ahead?
Often kids have no idea what will be required of them to reach their career goals. We must help them do their due diligence upfront. For example, a teen—who wasn’t even keen on attending college—didn’t know that to become a successful Criminologist, he would have to obtain a bachelor’s degree and that most go on to get a master’s degree in behavioral science. Luckily, he found out in advance and switched to another, more suitable path. Don’t wait until your teens are in college to find out they’re studying the wrong field. The trial-and-error method is expensive and deflating.

5. What might your career ladder look like to reach your dream job?
It generally takes years to prepare for a career. Teens can get a great initial direction in life if they start paying attention to their interests and transform them into a fun job right now—whether they get paid for it or not. Interning and volunteering may not seem appealing, but can lead to paid opportunities. For example, one budding writer—a junior in high school—wrote for his school paper and now he is writing a teen column for the local daily newspaper. He has his own by-line and is getting paid for each story. This experience will put him ahead of his peers in the marketplace.

These career conversation starters will help your children clarify what steps they can take right now to land their dream job. The path that God intended is already imbedded. Get to know who your kids are. If you really want them to be happy and have a fulfilling life, stay away from molding them into your ideas of who they ought to be. Ask them thought-provoking questions to help teens discover a career they will love.